Just checkin' in....

So tomorrow is my consult with the new doctor. Hopefully he'll have a great new gameplan!

Can't wait!

But waiting is what I do best these days...

Over the past couple weeks, God has really been speaking to me about taking this maternal love that I have bottled up and just pouring it all over those little ones in my classroom who need it the most. While it has been increasingly hard to be in my profession while battling infertility, I think that I am beginning to be a bit thankful, as I am blessed by other people's little miracles every day.

I recently got a new little boy...he is the cutest, tiniest african american little boy. He has the biggest brownest eyes and as soon as he walked in I just wanted to hug him! He settled right in to our routines and has a sense of humor that is beyond his 5 years. (he has me rolling every day!!)

Come to find out he just moved here from another state with his brother because the police found out his mother was hiding drugs under the boy's beds. So instead of putting the boys into foster care, the father stepped out of the woodwork to care for the boys. When we asked him some questions about my new little one the father answered "I don't know...I don't know anything about him!"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its your son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least he's taking the time now to get to know them.

The other day I was doing workshop and was helping another student when this little boy incessantly began poking my shoulder.

Me: What do you need buddy?

Him: I need a mom. You my mom.

Cue tears in my eyes....heart being ripped out of chest...

Well...I went on to tell him that he had a mom and he would see her again someday, that I can be his friend and I gave him a little hug.

Wow.

Open bottle of maternal love.

Pour.

(Okay that part was a little weird...but you get it)

Let me just say...if that little boy is ever put at risk of being in foster care again...this little teacher is going to get herself into that foster parent system so fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Think of me at 8:30 am tomorrow....unless you're asleep...stay asleep...*wink*

A little research...

was probably not my best idea...

I looked up laparascopy (which I may need for endo) and egg retrieval...SCARY.

I figured that since I was already conveniently created with an opening in that general area they'd go ahead and use it........NOPE.

Needles and long stick things pushed into my stomach are not my friends.

Ugh...

But then...pushing a baby out probably isn't all that lovely either...but the happy ending is...and isn't that what all this is for??

Plus if I do IVF I'll have all that practice with needles in the weeks leading up to it...and I won't be asleep for those! *sigh*

Hurry May 1st!! I wanna know the game plan!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fork in the road...

And I'm taking a new path...

We are going to be heading to a new dr's office to hopefully kick start this baby thing! I feel like every time I left the other office I had a negative feeling...mainly about the staff. From what I've heard the new place is full of people who are patient focused, which is perfect!! I know two different women who have had success there (I actually nannied for two of the miracles all last summer!) so I'm hopeful that they will have more answers here!

I go on May 1st for the initial consult, so it should be interesting to see the new game plan. I was scoping out their success rates and it was interesting because they had a break down of different diagnoses and what their success rate was with the IUI. So I checked out endometriosis and for an IUI (in 2007) only 9% of the women got preggo. They went on to say that the best bet would be IVF for endo girls.

OH BOY.

So why am I wasting my time on a mere 9%?

What I'm thinking is since hubby is quite potent and I'm ovulating and nothing is blocked, the little guys must be having trouble attatching....so I'm wondering if they may need to scrape me out or something (just lovely). I'm hoping this new Dr. will be more aggressive in exploring the stage of endo that I have...as well as giving a true diagnosis (my other Dr. said that I probably have endo...but I'd have to go see a radiologist to be diagnosed or something like that)

Unfortunately I think I'm going to have to have my HSG done again...because I believe its been a year since I had it...though it wasn't horribly painful or uncomfortable....other than that clampy thing...UGH...but its just one more thing I have to do before we get started on the good stuff!

ANYHOO...

DH and I have been doing some major spring cleaning...this is my hubby's closet (now you see that cleaning is not my top priority...sigh....) and please imagine mine being ten times worse because I have a slight shopping problem. *wink*

Okay...that's really bad...hope you'll still be my friend...*blushing*...okay now let me redeem myself!!!!!!!!!!!

Closet organizer- $33

Snips (that didn't cut the wires...oops)- $24

Hack Saw (that cut right through...yay!)- $25

Level (DH had to get the blue one...)- $29

CLEAN ORGANIZED CLOSET.................PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ta-Dah!

Thank you...thank you...seriously...I can't believe all my clothes fit in there like that!!! I have a LOT of clothes...I feel like I'm shopping in my own closet now!! Lovely.

And I will leave you with that wonderful sight...

I'd like to check you for ticks...

Well...not you really...but that song pretty much sums up my Easter weekend. The tick part...not the silly kindof gross and sortof romantic meaning behind it.

We spent Easter with DH's family (always a joy) on the farm...with...a multitude...of bugs.

*shudder*

I'm so itchy now...I totally have the creepy crawlies!! But...DH and I are going to spend tonight in a hotel just for fun...I'm excited!!

Gotta relax after all that in-law time!!! Thankfully nobody asked about the baby thing...some of them haven't seen us for a while, but kindly refrained from asking. *phew*

Okay we gotta run!! Hope you all had a great Easter weekend!!!! :o)

Ahhh...the rollercoaster ride

Pretty much that is my life. Up...down...up...down....and there's no dramamine for the feelings this life brings. Well...perhaps there is...but sometimes the feelings are a bit blinding...

Yesterday we had a "goodbye" luncheon for my coworker who is leaving us to have her baby. As I stated before, I've been at peace about the whole thing, but now, with her actually leaving to have her baby I'm starting to realize that this is happening to me...AGAIN.

It was EXACTLY two years ago when one of my former coworkers (who of course is in the SAME room as this other pregnant coworker....maybe I need to switch rooms!!) left to go on her maternity leave...the two girls have due dates that are days apart. The coworker from two years ago and I decided to go off birth control at the same exact time...we were going to be preggo buddies....

And we all know the rest of that story...she now has two kids...nice.

So I was on the verge of tears all day...but definitely keeping it all in as best I could. FINALLY it was time to go home and I raced to the car, flung open my door as the tears began to flow and noticed something obstructing my way to getting into the seat.

DH had left a bouquet of flowers in my car.

He had no idea what I had been going through that day...yet there they were...and yes...the tears came down hard!!

I drove home, cursing myself for not buying that nifty box of car tissues, wiping my eyes/nose/face on my sleeve as I tried to stay on the road through tear blurred eyes.

Nice.

Cried a little more on the hubby's shoulder, read my Bible a bit...did some praying and felt 99% better.

Then this morning I got up...and randomly decided to call one of the two friends I have who does not have children to wish her a happy April Fools day!

Yeah..she told me she just found out she is preggo.

Now with the events that happened the day before and then finding this out...I felt like that was just cruel and unusual...so I was a bit angry at God....like WHY...come on...lets space things out a bit!!

DISCLAIMER: I am SOOOOOOOOOO happy for my friend...I of all people can appreciate what a MIRACLE pregnancy is and I would never want to ruin her happiness...if everyone waited for ME to get pregnant before they started trying, humans might actually cease populating the earth....and that's no good!

So I was on the verge of tears all day...finally got in the car once again and let the floodgates come wide open...pretty much haven't stopped.

I went home and after explaining myself to DH I went straight to my Bible again....I figured reading Job was fitting...so I read and saw a man who did feel bitterness and sadness...and that was okay! He was still faithful to God. Plus there was a lot of hope in the verses...two of my favorites were:

Job 5:8 &9
But if it were I, I would appeal to God; I woudl lay my cause before him. He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted."

Job 11:13-18
Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope...

Now both of these verses came from dialogue from Job's friends who were trying to comfort him in his distress and pretty much Job counters with something to the effect of "Uh...stop saying all that..you don't know what kind of pain I'm in and your words aren't making this better"...which I can definitely relate to as well!!! I couldn't read past chapter 12 cuz my eyes were getting too dry...

Those verses were very encouraging and I know that God has a plan for me that I have yet to see...but my heart is broken yet again...and its hard to keep the mindset of "oh we'll wait to try again til after my sisters wedding" because wouldn't it be fun to be preggo with my friend???? And yet how many times has that been the "plan" and it totally did not work out...I think I need to stop that. *sigh*

Once again I'm stuck at the starting line....

And everyone else is on their victory lap...

Count it all joy....count it all joy......

Easier said than done.

But Job was bitter and he still took time to praise God...

So thank you God that you are here with me even in my darkest moments...that you are a God of comfort and you carry me when I can walk no further...

That you hold my tears in your hands...and your hands are big enough to catch them all.