Pretty much that is my life. Up...down...up...down....and there's no dramamine for the feelings this life brings. Well...perhaps there is...but sometimes the feelings are a bit blinding...
Yesterday we had a "goodbye" luncheon for my coworker who is leaving us to have her baby. As I stated before, I've been at peace about the whole thing, but now, with her actually leaving to have her baby I'm starting to realize that this is happening to me...AGAIN.
It was EXACTLY two years ago when one of my former coworkers (who of course is in the SAME room as this other pregnant coworker....maybe I need to switch rooms!!) left to go on her maternity leave...the two girls have due dates that are days apart. The coworker from two years ago and I decided to go off birth control at the same exact time...we were going to be preggo buddies....
And we all know the rest of that story...she now has two kids...nice.
So I was on the verge of tears all day...but definitely keeping it all in as best I could. FINALLY it was time to go home and I raced to the car, flung open my door as the tears began to flow and noticed something obstructing my way to getting into the seat.
DH had left a bouquet of flowers in my car.
He had no idea what I had been going through that day...yet there they were...and yes...the tears came down hard!!
I drove home, cursing myself for not buying that nifty box of car tissues, wiping my eyes/nose/face on my sleeve as I tried to stay on the road through tear blurred eyes.
Nice.
Cried a little more on the hubby's shoulder, read my Bible a bit...did some praying and felt 99% better.
Then this morning I got up...and randomly decided to call one of the two friends I have who does not have children to wish her a happy April Fools day!
Yeah..she told me she just found out she is preggo.
Now with the events that happened the day before and then finding this out...I felt like that was just cruel and unusual...so I was a bit angry at God....like WHY...come on...lets space things out a bit!!
DISCLAIMER: I am SOOOOOOOOOO happy for my friend...I of all people can appreciate what a MIRACLE pregnancy is and I would never want to ruin her happiness...if everyone waited for ME to get pregnant before they started trying, humans might actually cease populating the earth....and that's no good!
So I was on the verge of tears all day...finally got in the car once again and let the floodgates come wide open...pretty much haven't stopped.
I went home and after explaining myself to DH I went straight to my Bible again....I figured reading Job was fitting...so I read and saw a man who did feel bitterness and sadness...and that was okay! He was still faithful to God. Plus there was a lot of hope in the verses...two of my favorites were:
Job 5:8 &9
But if it were I, I would appeal to God; I woudl lay my cause before him. He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted."
Job 11:13-18
Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope...
Now both of these verses came from dialogue from Job's friends who were trying to comfort him in his distress and pretty much Job counters with something to the effect of "Uh...stop saying all that..you don't know what kind of pain I'm in and your words aren't making this better"...which I can definitely relate to as well!!! I couldn't read past chapter 12 cuz my eyes were getting too dry...
Those verses were very encouraging and I know that God has a plan for me that I have yet to see...but my heart is broken yet again...and its hard to keep the mindset of "oh we'll wait to try again til after my sisters wedding" because wouldn't it be fun to be preggo with my friend???? And yet how many times has that been the "plan" and it totally did not work out...I think I need to stop that. *sigh*
Once again I'm stuck at the starting line....
And everyone else is on their victory lap...
Count it all joy....count it all joy......
Easier said than done.
But Job was bitter and he still took time to praise God...
So thank you God that you are here with me even in my darkest moments...that you are a God of comfort and you carry me when I can walk no further...
That you hold my tears in your hands...and your hands are big enough to catch them all.
Yesterday we had a "goodbye" luncheon for my coworker who is leaving us to have her baby. As I stated before, I've been at peace about the whole thing, but now, with her actually leaving to have her baby I'm starting to realize that this is happening to me...AGAIN.
It was EXACTLY two years ago when one of my former coworkers (who of course is in the SAME room as this other pregnant coworker....maybe I need to switch rooms!!) left to go on her maternity leave...the two girls have due dates that are days apart. The coworker from two years ago and I decided to go off birth control at the same exact time...we were going to be preggo buddies....
And we all know the rest of that story...she now has two kids...nice.
So I was on the verge of tears all day...but definitely keeping it all in as best I could. FINALLY it was time to go home and I raced to the car, flung open my door as the tears began to flow and noticed something obstructing my way to getting into the seat.
DH had left a bouquet of flowers in my car.
He had no idea what I had been going through that day...yet there they were...and yes...the tears came down hard!!
I drove home, cursing myself for not buying that nifty box of car tissues, wiping my eyes/nose/face on my sleeve as I tried to stay on the road through tear blurred eyes.
Nice.
Cried a little more on the hubby's shoulder, read my Bible a bit...did some praying and felt 99% better.
Then this morning I got up...and randomly decided to call one of the two friends I have who does not have children to wish her a happy April Fools day!
Yeah..she told me she just found out she is preggo.
Now with the events that happened the day before and then finding this out...I felt like that was just cruel and unusual...so I was a bit angry at God....like WHY...come on...lets space things out a bit!!
DISCLAIMER: I am SOOOOOOOOOO happy for my friend...I of all people can appreciate what a MIRACLE pregnancy is and I would never want to ruin her happiness...if everyone waited for ME to get pregnant before they started trying, humans might actually cease populating the earth....and that's no good!
So I was on the verge of tears all day...finally got in the car once again and let the floodgates come wide open...pretty much haven't stopped.
I went home and after explaining myself to DH I went straight to my Bible again....I figured reading Job was fitting...so I read and saw a man who did feel bitterness and sadness...and that was okay! He was still faithful to God. Plus there was a lot of hope in the verses...two of my favorites were:
Job 5:8 &9
But if it were I, I would appeal to God; I woudl lay my cause before him. He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted."
Job 11:13-18
Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope...
Now both of these verses came from dialogue from Job's friends who were trying to comfort him in his distress and pretty much Job counters with something to the effect of "Uh...stop saying all that..you don't know what kind of pain I'm in and your words aren't making this better"...which I can definitely relate to as well!!! I couldn't read past chapter 12 cuz my eyes were getting too dry...
Those verses were very encouraging and I know that God has a plan for me that I have yet to see...but my heart is broken yet again...and its hard to keep the mindset of "oh we'll wait to try again til after my sisters wedding" because wouldn't it be fun to be preggo with my friend???? And yet how many times has that been the "plan" and it totally did not work out...I think I need to stop that. *sigh*
Once again I'm stuck at the starting line....
And everyone else is on their victory lap...
Count it all joy....count it all joy......
Easier said than done.
But Job was bitter and he still took time to praise God...
So thank you God that you are here with me even in my darkest moments...that you are a God of comfort and you carry me when I can walk no further...
That you hold my tears in your hands...and your hands are big enough to catch them all.
6 comments:
I'm soooo sorry honey!! I'm totally in your shoes right now!! Working in a school is especially hard..maybe if we had more male coworkers;) My best friend is 7 1/2 months pregnant and I started trying months before her. I feel your pain....we will hold our babies one day. Hold out hope!!
Great great GREAT post! Thank you so much for sharing and I Love those verses! I feel ya girl I just wanna have my victory lap! But thank you for posting I will say a prayer for you tongiht!
I am so sorry you've been hurting. We've all experienced it and it's just terrible. And you're husband's too sweet. Him being so supportive really helps through these kind of times.
So sorry that you are feeling this way. It is a challenging road and at times, I myself lose sight. My AP left recently to have her baby - we were 10 days apart- and it was a difficult day for me. I stand on pins and needles thinking today is the day they are going to make a birth announcement. I completely understand. Praying for you! {{hugs}}
awwww. I am so sorry sweetie!! {HUGS} Isn't it amazing that your husband was touched by God to take you those flowers. HE (God) really does know what we need and when. What a sweet husband to act on that thought and to not think "I will do it another day".
You are blessed by that! Thank you for sharing the verses, and your application to your life. I love reading entries like that.
GOOD LUCK girl. {{{{HUGS}}}}
It is because of this positive attitude that I nominated you for the Lemonade Award. Check out my blog when you get a chance. Praying for you always!
Marie
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