Off to Loganville!

I don't really believe in signs...I mean not literal signs but...you know...things that happen that say good/bad things are headed your way...but this (literal) sign was a bit of an encouragement for me as I was driving to PA for my sister's bridal shower yesterday. Logan is our #1 boy name (we picked it back when we were young and naive) and when I saw this sign I just had to take a picture. When I saw it I felt like it was God saying, "Its not too far off...maybe not this time...but someday soon..." And then I thought "But God...I wanted a GIRL!!!" JUST KIDDING!!! Of course its probably just a fluke that I passed this sign...but I'll take what I can get at this point! :o)

Church tonight was interesting...the worship leader preached. Towards the end of the sermon (he was talking about being a "lukewarm" Christian) he mentioned that he struggles with being lukewarm and gave the example that he was having trouble trusting God every time he looks at his wife. (His wife is preggo...critical info there) He's concerned because he doesn't have medical insurance and doesn't know how he's going to pay for it all...

Of course my first thought is "I have insurance...why did God give them a baby and not me??"...but quickly I remembered something I read in one of my new books I got...where it said that God uses different trials for different people....probably as much as I want a baby, they DIDN'T want to have a baby...at this time anyway. But God is using these hardships to bring us closer to Him...and it most certainly is working...I've talked to Him more in this past year than probably I ever have...

And tomorrow is the day...I'm not nervous...yet...and really not looking forward to those two weeks...

Guess I'd better head to bed...we've got an early morning tomorrow...IUI at 9:15...

Oh boy...here we go...

Okay...not so bad...

What am I saying...YES IT WAS BAD...well not the actually shot but the adrenaline leading up to it was horrible. I was shaking so bad I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make a straight shot...

I kept looking at the needle like...seriously...SERIOUSLY??? THIS is what I have to do to get my baby??? SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!

It will be SO worth it though.

I love you baby W.

Can't wait to meet you someday...

WHOA there...

Ten minutes until I'm supposed to trigger. And I'm feeling a little nervous. I know if I was doing IVF I'd be giving myself a ton of shots and so just one shouldn't be a big deal...but oh crap. I looked at the thing and nearly passed out...it totally sucks cuz my hubby had to leave for work...my mommy is in Seattle...and I'm here all by myself!!! Which means I have to suck it up and do this...but...my heart is POUNDING...

I hope I can do this...

Usually whenever I get shots (yes even now) I sing "Jesus Loves Me" and look the other way to keep my mind off of it...but if I have to LOOK and actually DO something...oh gosh oh gosh...what have I signed up for here...

7 minutes to trigger...

God give me strength!

"GO" for Monday!!

My DH is trying to rush me through this post...cuz he wants to go set up his deer stand an hour away....and I must go with him...yay...men and their hobbies...

Thank you to those who commented earlier...I have to say my face turned seven shades of red when I realized that people ACTUALLY read what I write...and we certainly bare all on these blogs don't we? Thank you for your encouragement...it means the world to me!

The dr appt. went well today. I have two lil follies that are good size (I have no idea about the millimeters or whatever....but I guess they were good...though not as good as they should have been with clomid) on the left side (unbelievably enough...that is the side with the two endometriosis cysts taking up all the space!!) and 6 or 7 follies on the right side that are too small to even talk about I guess.

After checking out my bloodwork the dr. was saying that he was a little unsure about when the right time was going to be but didn't want to wait much past Monday cuz some things were saying that I could be ovulating at any time. So he said to do the trigger tomorrow night...and make love then too just in case I go early. (Of course DH was in the car during this conversation and whispered to me "What about tonight too??" a little too loudly and the Dr. DEFINITELY heard and said that'd be fine too.) Good grief. :o) Isn't he supposed to be storing this stuff up though? Guess not.

So I'm feeling more hopeful after this appointment...even though the Dr. isn't completely confident in his timing.

Random thought...but its kindof interesting (knock on wood) that everyone around me (I'm a teacher...kids have GERMS) is getting sick and I have yet to get a cold this year...usually I'm down for the count. I think its because I'm drinking all this green tea (good for fertility I hear) and eating prenatal vitamins and drinking pomegranate juice...maybe my immune system is totally awesome now!!

And now I'm probably going to get the worst cold ever...

Especially since I'm about to go into the woods with my hunter husband...

Work in Progress...

Ahhh turkey day. Thankfully this year I am not cooking...leavin' that to Granny...all I have to do is show up! It probably would be better if I was cooking so that I could keep my mind off stuff, but instead I'll just sit here and wait for the Macy's parade to come on!

As I sit and watch tv I can't help but wonder what it would be like if I had kids right now. Would they be watching the tv with me or still sleeping in their little beds? Would they be snuggled on my lap sharing my hot chocolate in their footie pajamas...nibbling on cinnamon toast? Instead I drink my hot chocolate and eat my cinnamon toast alone. Okay not totally alone...my dog Sweet Pea (a cream chihuahua) was curled up on my lap...Buttercup was right next to me on the couch too. *sigh*...not exactly how I pictured my Thanksgiving after almost four years of marriage...will it be different next year?

Another book that I got in the mail yesterday was called "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. What a great book! This woman has been through it all when it comes to trying to have children! She even tried to adopt several times with no avail. She shared the story of the oyster who had a grain of sand stuck in its shell...it was extremely uncomfortable and painful. However, the oyster decided to make the best of it and soon, that grain of sand became a beautiful pearl...

What kind of person do I want to be? That girl who my friends can barely talk to about their children because she's so bitter? Or someone who loves and cares for others despite her own deep personal pain?

I feel like the first year and a half of trying to concieve I was still pretty hopeful...and now slowly but surely I am getting very bitter, angry and SCARED. My friend who I used to confide in about my struggles with infertility has gone on to have a child of her own (after two months of trying) and I can barely talk to her cuz I hear the baby crying in the background...all this jealousy and resentment is turning me into someone I don't want to be.

What a better day than Thanksgiving to realize what I have to be thankful for and to take my pain and turn it into something good? Someday I will be at the other end of this journey...and I will be a stronger, more patient, more loving person because of this trial.

Not there yet...definitely still a work in progress...praying for peace in this journey.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4: 6-7

Longing for a Child

I've been sitting on my couch pretty much 75% of the day, though I did go to Petsmart (we are selling the puppy you see in my picture...Buttercup's baby! *sniff* she's such a cutie! So I had to run there to get some extra dog food to send her off with) and Target.

Side note on Target. Love the place. Usually I find all kinds of things I (don't) need there...unfortunately today wasn't my day. Though not for lack of trying...I had a ton of cute shirts (yeah the fitting room gal was glaring at me when I told her how many I had) but the one thing I do NOT enjoy about Target is...the fitting rooms. That mirror behind you...is....disturbingly...accurate. I never realized exactly what I look like from behind until one of my previous encounters with this store and I assure you it wasn't pretty. YIKES...so seeing that today wasn't the best thing for my mood and I quickly redressed and handed my pile of clothes to the (still glaring) fitting room gal. Sorry 'bout that.

I journeyed home and got back on the couch for another movie and decided I'd better get off my tushy and do something. I decided to rake the front lawn. I pretty much do most of the yard work around our house. I kindof enjoy it...instant gratification when its all cleaned up...plus it gets the blood pumpin. As I grabbed the rakes I noticed a package had come in the mail. I was excited cuz it was from Christianbooks.com and I had ordered a couple books for my mom and then a couple for myself.

One book is called "Longing for a Child"...its a daily devotional for people struggling with infertility. The very first devotion begins with a definition of longing: A strong, persistent desire or craving for something unattainable or distant. Yeah...feeling that allright. Then it goes on to give these verses:

Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

My soul is in anguish,
How long, O LORD, how long?...
I am worn out from groaning,
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears....
The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
Psalm 6:3,6,9

(I'm pretty sure that verse could have been written by me the past couple of days!)

All my longings lie open before you, O LORD;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
Psalm 38:9

Done a lot of sighing lately...thank you God that you know the desires of my heart. Help me to be patient and to make my desires be for what you want. I know my desire needs to be after you first and foremost, God...this baby stuff has blinded me with fear and anger. Help me to know you are here with me. That I don't have to do this alone. Amen.

Still no joy...just hope...

Searching online it says that women with endometriosis have trouble conceiving. I was pretty bummed out about that (I decided to watch Fred Claus to get my mind of off everything and pretty much sobbed through the movie...I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY PEOPLE!!).

After some thought I've decided...why so down? You KNOW you have trouble conceiving...yeah...pretty much have confirmation there...so what are we going to do about this??? Lets continue to be proactive...don't throw in the towel...there's still hope! TROUBLE concieving isn't NEVER concieving. And what in life isn't difficult?

I think I just had so much depending on this visit...I thought it all was going to be okay and I'm worried about being able to hold it together in my next appointment...but I think as long as we're moving forward I should be content. May not have the outcome I'm looking for...but I need to press on.

I was reading that you should get a really good laproscopic (sp????) surgeon who can take out the endometriosis and give you a two year "window" to get pregnant sometimes...maybe that's what I need. I think I'm frustrated also with my Dr. as he didn't think to look into this before. But I can't really blame him. Its certainly easy to do though. Especially when he isn't the nicest man on the planet...and really had no clue about my situation when I came in.

He was like "Good morning...so my understanding is we're not going through with the IUI this cycle"

and I was like "Um...yes we are that's why we're here."

Then he looked around and said "Oh...did I find this cyst last time? Oh wait there's two!"

Don't Drs have to check over the patient records before they go in looking like an idiot? I don't have much confidence in him and with recent findings I'm wondering if my time for child bearing could be limited...therefore I need to make the best of this time and not waste it with...people like him. Little frustrated there.

And yet if I move over to another facility I feel like it'd be two steps back and we're here already...blah blah blah...I don't know what's best. Hmmm.

Too much waiting involved...must learn patience.

Bummed Out

Today was a no go. Went in pretty excited...DH went with me and he was a little nervous. After poking around the Dr. said that he found another cyst on my left ovary and he's pretty sure that its endometriosis. He said I'm nowhere near ovulating and that maybe my body didn't react to the clomid. Bummer.

Not sure what the next steps will be...we go in on Friday to check everything out again to see if we will continue this cycle.

The sermon on Sunday was about "considering it joy" when you're faced with trails...not feeling the joy at this second...but hoping that there will be more joyful days in the future...

A lil nervous...

Conferences lasted ALL day today...it was like the never ending day...and yet here it is over and I'm about to put my pjs on and head to bed. When I wake up it'll be time to see how many follies I've grown.

I didn't think I was nervous, but sometimes I wonder if I have a type of irritable bowel (TMI again...I know) and definitely had to GO twice today between conferences. Not good...belly not happy. One mom was even waiting for me when I came out LOL...embarrassing.
So hopefully I will rest well...and my lil guys will be ready to go soon!!

Fingers crossed.

Prayers said.

Time for sleep.

Caring Kids

I don't get any magazine subscriptions...it'd be fun to get People Magazine and catch up on all the latest gossip...but why buy the subscription when you can read it in line at the grocery store or when you go to the dentist?

My mom bought me a subscription, however, to Readers Digest and I LOVE it....as soon as it comes in, it gets placed in its honorable spot on the shelf above the toilet paper rolls. Every morning (I'm a regular kind of gal...TMI I know...) I read that magazine until I've read it cover to cover. (Generally I start with the jokes and then move on to the meatier stuff).

The new one came in the mail last week and on the cover is a picture of two cute brothers and the title "How to raise kids who care". Basically the article was saying that if you volunteer (their big point was "lead by example") or give your children a chance to get involved in the lives of others without self gain...they will do so when they are older as well.

Interesting...I started to think about this, as every year I LOVE doing the angel tree...I get to pick a kid and actually buy cute kid clothes and fun kid toys...things I want to do for my own kids so badly! When I was growing up, my parents would let us pick a kid off the angel tree and choose gifts for that child.

This year I was thinking about all the sucky things going on in my life and decided to see if there was a soup kitchen that was serving thanksgiving dinner...that way I could kindof get outside of myself...and help others. My parents also took me to soup kitchens when I was younger. We even walked the streets of Japan and handed out rice patties to the homeless (I'm a Navy brat)...and so I guess according to the article they instilled that drive in me to help others.

My husband on the other hand...does not enjoy doing the angel tree. He is constantly complaining that I'm spending too much money on a kid we don't even know. (Usually I shop when he's not there and then wrap up the gifts real quick so he doesn't see ALL I bought...I show him a couple things though....is that evil of me???) He tells me that we "don't have any money" so we shouldn't be doing this....as he takes out the Outback Steakhouse leftovers from the fridge.

This year I even went as far as to say that I wanted him to get me NOTHING for Christmas so that I could use the money on my angel tree kid and then he couldn't get upset with me. He didn't like that idea and after talking with him about this article he is being more open this year which is awesome!! (plus I think the fact that we could possibly be parents this year is making him more of a softie....love it!!)

He also has NO desire to walk into a soup kitchen and is somewhat freaked out by the idea. After reading the article I asked him if he did any of these volunteer-like things when he was younger (nothing against my in-laws...they raise a WONDERFUL man!!) and he said he never had. I talked with him about the article and he agreed that may have something to do with it.

The article talked about kids playing with special needs kids and making a difference even at the age of five! So I hope to give my children a chance to see that there is a great big world out there...with lots of people who may not have all the blessings that we do. We need to realize that we have been blessed so that we can SHARE those blessings with other people!

My ttc journey so far...

I wanted to post my journey so far on the sidebar of my blog...but I'm so not good at this blog stuff I don't even know how to do that!!! So here it is!

July 2005 MARRIED!!

May 2006 Decided to get knocked up...went off BC

January 2007 Friend gave me the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Kit (this will do the trick! Everyone has gotten preggo using this!)

May 2007 Annual OB-GYN visit...did some preliminary tests...yes I ovulate. Dr. told DH to get checked out...he wasn't so sure...

September 2007 Friend asked for Clear Blue Easy Fertility Kit back for another friend to use. Depression sets in.

April 2008 More testing on me...hubby still scared...(especially when I was checking out ok) DH said we just need to make love more often (IMPOSSIBLE BY THE WAY LOL)

August 2008 Hubby was ready to get checked out. He ended up being 2x more potent than the average man...wowzah...so what's wrong!!??

October 2008 Planned on doing first IUI. Found out friend had fifths disease and decided to wait.

November 2008 Working on initial stages of IUI #1 (now we're gettin' somewhere!) Found out I have a 1 inch cyst in left ovary...could be endometriosis?? Still going through with IUI #1 despite cyst...

Is this possible??!!

Been using most of my Saturday to read other blogs...it gives me such a feeling of hope and comradarie to read the storys of other girls. Thank you to everyone for being so open! It helps to know that you are "normal"!

Anyhoo...so I was reading and one gal said that she went in to the dr. and he said that she had ovulated already so she couldn't go through with the procedure...and I was like HOLD UP. Cuz that would just stink! I can't imagine going in there...and them saying that. But I think it'll be 11 days into my cycle when I go in...so its hardly probable...especially when I've been ovulating on the 17th-20th day on my own. But can Clomid do that? Cause your eggs to ripen faster? I'm not sure...maybe its time to do some online research!

I was feeling pretty stress free...like...Oh the dr. will have all the timing and everything covered...I just have to show up...ha ha..maybe not so much.

So far so good...

Didn't post yesterday cuz yesterday was the Thanksgiving feast in my classroom. Then I had a Christmas movie "party" at my house (people came over and watched a Christmas movie...yay) and I had to come home, clean, and then I was just pooped.

I feel like teaching is the #1 worst job to have when you are ttc. As I zip up little coats and put on little gloves I just feel so empty inside...I feel all my maternal instincts welling up and I just want to hug and snuggle the kids (in a public school...BAD IDEA) and I'm so jealous of what their parents have. It really is starting to inhibit my ability to teach...which is so wrong...but its still happening. I'm just not happy there! And when they call me "mommy" its just even worse. Well...I've had a couple kids call me "daddy" and that's just insulting. :o)

I've been thinking about switching jobs to see if it would help my plight...but I feel like all the other jobs won't be as fun (I love working with kids!). So maybe I just need to stop having a pity party and take care of those kids the way that I would want my kid's teacher to.

Ahhh Saturday...took my last clomid pill today. So now I just gotta wait and see. Tuesday we find out how many little follies I grew...hopefully its one or more....*sigh*.

Sleep...where art thou?

I've been waking up at like 4:30 every morning for the past three mornings...and me no likee...I mentioned this to my mother-in-law and she wondered if its because I'm stressed out with all that's going on. She may be right...I don't wake up thinking about babies or the procedure, but I do wake up with my heart pounding...uncomfortably so. Then as my mind starts to wander I start thinking about stuff but...I dunno.

I do have conferences coming up and that's always a bit stressful too, considering I have ALL of them on Monday so that I can take off on Tuesday. And the holidays are going to be stressful with all the new family dimensions. So I guess I have a lot on my mind. Makes sense.

My husband was so cute yesterday morning. He works nights so on his way home he texted me with a possible baby name! That's the first time he's truly initiated something like that and what surprised me the most was it was a GIRL name!! I thought my husband would want his 'lil hunter/fisherman/football watcher...but when I asked him about this he said his little girl could do that with him too.

I quickly informed him that he was mistaken...and she'd be too busy playing princesses, baking and shopping with me!

When we first started "trying" these types of conversations were more commonplace...and then after we'd been trying for a year + we'd mention us having kids less often and nonchalontly...but with a twinge of sadness...

So its somewhat hard to unearth these hopes because while they've always been there...the fear of being let down once again is...unbearable.

We will see.

And now I think I just broke the tray that our keyboard sits on...its one of those rolly things...so I'm going to sign out...and try to fix it...

Great song

Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE music. (usually obnoxiously loud music that I sing obnoxiously loud to) One of my favorite songs is by Barlow Girl...and this song really spoke to me because as I'm struggling with this unanswered prayer... I'm wondering...God...you still around...am I just talking to the ceiling? Read the lyrics. Hear the song (whenever I figure out how in the world to get music on here). Buy the cd...its awesome!

"I Believe In Love"

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.

God, please help me to remember that this dark night does have an end...and even those prayers that I think are unanswered...they may just have an answer that I'm too stubborn or impatient to accept...give me strength...help me believe...

Not so bad...

So I'm nearly done with day one and its not as bad as I was expecting...although it probably needs to build up in my system a bit I suppose. I had a dull headache this afternoon, but after getting home from work and chillin with my man it has gone away. So maybe that was just normal stress in general.

My man had Oprah on and ready to go when I got in...and he's calling for me cuz I left during the commercial and its back on now...so off I go!

Clomid day 1

I would like to offer the following disclaimer due to the fact that I have heard that people can get somewhat evil/psycho/emotional/insane when on this drug.

I apologize to anyone I cry in front of, offend or maime during the next five days. I am under the influence and do not mean anything that I say or do. I will be your friend again in 6 days I promise.

Much love...

Prescription time...

I just gave my friend the address of my blog...and wow...I'm a bit nervous (love you to death though girl!)...this is the spot I'm baring my soul and someone I KNOW is going to read it. But she's like my sister so I guess its okay. She's a teacher too though...so hopefully if she comments it won't be about grammatical errors...j/k.

I took my lil prescription in to the pharmacy...so now I'm a bit excited/nervous/scared to see whats going to happen cuz...this whole process is officially starting NOW! Its so hard because I have been disappointed so many times before...I'm trying to guard my heart against thinking that it might actually happen this time...especially since I will find out during the holidays. But how can you keep yourself from having emotions (unless you're a man...maybe I should go ask my husband...j/k).

We are going to head out and pick up my magic pills...and then maybe off to dinner. Forgot to take something out of the freezer for dinner...and well...its Monday so why not eat out.

I know...I'm bored...

I have the house to myself tonight and therefore I've been on the computer for...well....a few hours. I've been doing all this research and now I'm sitting here talking with one of my friends who has two wonderful children through IVF. I've been telling her my drama and her advice to me: STAY OFF THE INTERNET. I guess I'm just creating stress for myself...my doctor did not say conclusively that I have endometriosis...so why am I freaking myself out about it? Not that I'm truly freaking out, but it certainly is a concern.

Glad I talked to her.

Learning that I must put spaces between paragraphs/thoughts so that my blogs aren't one insane unreadable mass.

And I teach Kindergarten.

Not good.

My favorite blog!

Here's the blog that I read from beginning to end yesterday...love this blog...so encouraging!

http://maybebabyblog.blogspot.com/2008/11/ava-will-be-here-tomorrow.html

A lil research...

So I checked out endometriosis...just in case that is what I have...and looking at the symptoms...mine pretty much match up...bummer. But here's what I read about trying to conceive:
If you suffer from mild endometriosis you should continue to attempt pregnancy. Use of ovulation induction with clomiphene citrate (Clomid or Serophene) can also help. Also, a technique called washed intrauterine insemination has been shown to improve pregnancy rates in women with endometriosis if given sufficient time without other factors like irregular ovulation, male factors, or cervical factors. (http://www.babyhopes.com/articles/endottc.html)

I guess I'm on the right track...they also said that getting pregnant can actually cure endometriosis...which hopefully could happen if I do conceive. Just gotta keep praying!
I don't feel like I have been doing much of that anyways...if I'm being truly honest. Do I really think that I can get through this on my own, without His help? I don't know who I think I am really...I guess I'd better get back on track with that.

Grow lil follies!!

So I had my appointment...can I just say that my doctor is...well...rude. Obviously he knows I've never done this before, but he just says hello...hands me a sheet and shuts the door. So my question is...do I take ALL my clothes off? Just bottom half? Is this an interal or an external sonogram ETC...plus AF just came three days ago so I obviously took protective measures...what's going on here? I should have done more research I guess because God forbid he tells me anything...so I peek my head out of the door and have a very embarrassing conversation with him in front of the other couples in the waiting room. After he finally clued me in I properly sheeted myself and was ready to go. As he was performing the sonogram he didn't say much, but thankfully the nurse was super nice and explained what was going on. When he was scoping out my left ovary he noticed a dark area and decided I either have a cyst there or maybe endometriosis...which could explain the issues I've been having with getting preggo!! Maybe even the severe cramps (as in I'm curled up on the floor of my classroom (no kids around) hugging a pillow crying and have to go home early) He told me before nothing was wrong and this could most definitely be something wrong! What would have happend if I had just waited like everyone keeps telling me? What if my uterus got all scarred from endometriosis (if that's the problem) and I was 35 and not preggo still? I guess I'm glad I went when I did...but I think that should be standard procedure before you go telling someone that they are "just fine". (btw...thank goodness halloween wasn't too long ago...my brother-in-law got a butt-load of candy and boy do I need chocolate right now!)
That reminds me of another thing...I've definitely gained weight since this whole process began...20lbs...not so pretty...its hard cuz you think, Oh I'll just get pregnant and I'm gonna get fat anyway. I also thought "Oh no...what if I go running and bump the egg right out of me?"...not logical I'm sure...but a concern of mine nonetheless. Plus with all this talk about putting a pillow under your butt and stuff after intercourse to let gravity help you, why on earth would you want to do something that is going to push things down and out? Therefore...I am fat. Not proud of it...but just thought I'd share the reasoning behind it.
Despite the interesting turn of events in my ultrasound, it seems that we are a-ok to proceed with the IUI...so I start clomid on Tuesday and then I grow my lil follies up until the next Tuesday when they will check me out. Grow little follies! Grow!!!

So the story begins...or continues...

So lets see. I've been reading a lot of blogs by girls who are dealing with infertility and while I am not quite up with all the lingo and the cool acronyms, I definitely have been crying, laughing and getting angry right along with them. I thought to myself what a great way to get out your frustrations and to track your progress. So here I am. Tomorrow I am scheduled to go in for my preliminary IUI blood test and ultrasound. Having been trying to concieve for 2 and a half years now I am not letting my hopes get too high...they have been bashed too many times before. I have done temping, some cool ovulation electronic thingy that all the girls at my work got pregnant using (yeah we all peed on it...gross) and let me tell you the worst day was when the gal who owns it came up to me and said, "Hey, can I get that back from you? Someone else wants to try it." I felt like that was the end for me..."sorry you took too long...lets give someone else a turn"....that's when I decided I really needed to go to the doctor and get this ball rolling. I went and got all of the testing done (everything has checked out fine with me, but my husband was very reluctant to get himself tested. I was upset with him (the ONE thing he has to do has a small amount of PLEASURE with it...and everything I'd done so far...not so pleasureable) but finally about four months ago he went and we found out he has TWICE the amount of swimmers that an average man should have. So with that kind of POTENCY why haven't I gotten preggo??? We started to think maybe we were doing something wrong (hey...we were both virgins when we got married....its possible we missed some critical information in sex ed). But after one awkward conversation with my mother, I realized that we were right on track! :o) *phew* So all that has led us here...we actually wanted to try to do IUI last month, but the DAY BEFORE I'm scheduled to do the preliminary stuff my coworker (who is preggo...after trying for 3 months) finds out she has 5ths disease (which we have been warned is NOT good for babies in the belly) and could possibly be contagious so me getting preggo right then could be bad. Therefore I decided that that was a door "slamming in my face" if you will....it was not the right time. We are going to try again this month...we'll see if it happens. So far so good though...I have twelve hours until my appointment....and hopefully I can handle whatever the result of this first round is...let me tell you my life for the past month and a half in a nutshell:
-mother in law and brother in law moved in
-dog had puppies...only one survives (it might as well have been my babies that died! I was pretty emotional)
-grandmother dies (first grandparent to die...I certainly was very aware of the circle of life...and the pain I felt for my dad...who lost his MOTHER...and then thinking about what it will be like to lose my mother one day...and so on and so on....very depressing thoughts running through head) I regret so much that I could not give her a great-grandchild...I wish I could have at least told her I was preggo...but I shouldn't beat myself up over things I cannot control...
-try for IUI but friend gets 5ths (as stated before)
-stress causing strain on marital relationship
-Fridge dies (seriously...never say to yourself "can this get any worse?" because it can and WILL) on the same day we were planning on buying new living room furniture (we even went so far to get masking tape and tape out the dimensions of the furniture to see if it would fit) so its a no go on the furniture....and $1500 out of our pockets the month before Christmas....nice...
-trying to decide where to eat Thanksgiving...with father-in-law or grandma-in-law (my parents are on the west coast)
-report cards due
-observation
-taking grad classes
And so...I hope that STRESS is not a factor in getting preggo...cuz I've got a lot of it and I'm not sure any of it is going away anytime soon. I've been trying to stay positive but I keep thinking to myself...wasn't I happy before? I feel like I used to smile...a lot...and now...not so much. I feel like the fact that I can't become pregnant and that my mother-in-law is now in the room that would be the nursery just makes me feel so...depressed. And yet when I read all those other blogs I realize...I'm not alone. People out there feel like I do...what I am feeling is normal...though sucky...and I can get through this...no matter the outcome. It is encouraging to see the success stories...and interesting to see the progression of events that leads to these successes.....I bet they look back and read their previous blogs and think, wow...all that worrying and here I am with my beautiful baby. Please God let that be me one day.
So I begin this blog...to disclose some of my feelings...to help track progress...to just let it out.