So the story begins...or continues...

So lets see. I've been reading a lot of blogs by girls who are dealing with infertility and while I am not quite up with all the lingo and the cool acronyms, I definitely have been crying, laughing and getting angry right along with them. I thought to myself what a great way to get out your frustrations and to track your progress. So here I am. Tomorrow I am scheduled to go in for my preliminary IUI blood test and ultrasound. Having been trying to concieve for 2 and a half years now I am not letting my hopes get too high...they have been bashed too many times before. I have done temping, some cool ovulation electronic thingy that all the girls at my work got pregnant using (yeah we all peed on it...gross) and let me tell you the worst day was when the gal who owns it came up to me and said, "Hey, can I get that back from you? Someone else wants to try it." I felt like that was the end for me..."sorry you took too long...lets give someone else a turn"....that's when I decided I really needed to go to the doctor and get this ball rolling. I went and got all of the testing done (everything has checked out fine with me, but my husband was very reluctant to get himself tested. I was upset with him (the ONE thing he has to do has a small amount of PLEASURE with it...and everything I'd done so far...not so pleasureable) but finally about four months ago he went and we found out he has TWICE the amount of swimmers that an average man should have. So with that kind of POTENCY why haven't I gotten preggo??? We started to think maybe we were doing something wrong (hey...we were both virgins when we got married....its possible we missed some critical information in sex ed). But after one awkward conversation with my mother, I realized that we were right on track! :o) *phew* So all that has led us here...we actually wanted to try to do IUI last month, but the DAY BEFORE I'm scheduled to do the preliminary stuff my coworker (who is preggo...after trying for 3 months) finds out she has 5ths disease (which we have been warned is NOT good for babies in the belly) and could possibly be contagious so me getting preggo right then could be bad. Therefore I decided that that was a door "slamming in my face" if you will....it was not the right time. We are going to try again this month...we'll see if it happens. So far so good though...I have twelve hours until my appointment....and hopefully I can handle whatever the result of this first round is...let me tell you my life for the past month and a half in a nutshell:
-mother in law and brother in law moved in
-dog had puppies...only one survives (it might as well have been my babies that died! I was pretty emotional)
-grandmother dies (first grandparent to die...I certainly was very aware of the circle of life...and the pain I felt for my dad...who lost his MOTHER...and then thinking about what it will be like to lose my mother one day...and so on and so on....very depressing thoughts running through head) I regret so much that I could not give her a great-grandchild...I wish I could have at least told her I was preggo...but I shouldn't beat myself up over things I cannot control...
-try for IUI but friend gets 5ths (as stated before)
-stress causing strain on marital relationship
-Fridge dies (seriously...never say to yourself "can this get any worse?" because it can and WILL) on the same day we were planning on buying new living room furniture (we even went so far to get masking tape and tape out the dimensions of the furniture to see if it would fit) so its a no go on the furniture....and $1500 out of our pockets the month before Christmas....nice...
-trying to decide where to eat Thanksgiving...with father-in-law or grandma-in-law (my parents are on the west coast)
-report cards due
-observation
-taking grad classes
And so...I hope that STRESS is not a factor in getting preggo...cuz I've got a lot of it and I'm not sure any of it is going away anytime soon. I've been trying to stay positive but I keep thinking to myself...wasn't I happy before? I feel like I used to smile...a lot...and now...not so much. I feel like the fact that I can't become pregnant and that my mother-in-law is now in the room that would be the nursery just makes me feel so...depressed. And yet when I read all those other blogs I realize...I'm not alone. People out there feel like I do...what I am feeling is normal...though sucky...and I can get through this...no matter the outcome. It is encouraging to see the success stories...and interesting to see the progression of events that leads to these successes.....I bet they look back and read their previous blogs and think, wow...all that worrying and here I am with my beautiful baby. Please God let that be me one day.
So I begin this blog...to disclose some of my feelings...to help track progress...to just let it out.