Thanks for the peer pressure!!

Allright! I'm going to call and get a second opinion! :o)

I have programmed the new office into my phone so that no matter where I am on Monday I can call them up and see what we need to do. I'm kindof excited about this prospect...maybe that's why we've had a few delays in our infertility treatment...so I don't "waste" too much time & insurance $$ at this one facility.

As I read all of your blogs I can see how my RE is lacking...perhaps its time to move on! We will see what this new guy says...hopefully he'll have some good news!

Okay...I'm freezing...gotta get moving and clean something!! :o)

Good news or bad news first?

Hmmm...well I'll give you the bad news first I suppose.

Had my Drs appointment today and pretty much he said that I was not progressing and that he doesn't think this cycle would be a good one for us to do the insemination with. He said that my endometrial lining looks great though. (ummm...yay?) He then told me to call him when I start my cycle and we will try a higher dose of clomid.

I was like "Ummm..can we cut it out with the clomid already??? ITS NOT WORKING!!!"

Don't they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again? Well thats what I'm starting to feel with this guy. Anyhoo, he seemed ok with injectibles and so we will be moving on to that in my next cycle. Turns out my insurance will cover the cost of the injectibles so I'm okay there (thank you anyways Ashley!!).

With this cycle being a bust I was a little disappointed, and yet...I'm getting pretty used to disappointment...in the area of fertility anyway. *sigh*

And so my thoughts turn to adoption....

And the GOOD news...

You know that we have been trying to save money...for....maybe a month now. As I said, my house is COLD...my fridge is BARE...my house is CLEAN (cuz I don't go anywhere!!). Pretty much my bank statement says "Bills....gas....grocery store...bills....grocery store...gas...Panera Bread (oops...)....bills..." I haven't been to the mall...too much temptation. Pretty much a major life change for me (I'm so going to see that movie Shopaholic because that's who I am!!)...

As I've also said, I've been praying about the $$$$ thing...and then we get money from this puppy (which truly...that breeder owed us NOTHING...we signed no contract...she just wanted to give us a dog!!) and then DH does the taxes today. That made me really nervous. Last year we'd only owned our house for 5 months and ended up owing 2,000. We were freaking out because...well...we didn't have that laying around. So this year, since we'd been saving (for the past month...ha ha...) and we actually had that amount set aside just in case....

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE ARE GETTING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ BACK THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY FOR OWNING A HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we can pay off our Home Depot loan (our fridge and washer/dryer) and be DEBT FREE!!!!!!

SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!

God is just amazing me with the ways that He is providing for us. I pray that we are good stewards of this blessing...because it is SURE tempting when I see ads for 60% off Sandals resort trips on the tv....and I need a tan!!! (be...strong...)

I was reading my Bible yesterday about when Gabriel came to Mary to tell her that she was going to be concieving. Gabriel also told her that her relative Elizabeth (an OLD lady by the way....who had no children) was with child and said:

"Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:36-37

NOTHING is impossible. Talk about some encouraging words. NOTHING. Not me concieving. Not a $40,000 adoption.

Will my plans for my life be the same as Gods? Probably not. I've heard someone say "Want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans!" But I know that God does want us to share with Him the desires of our hearts...and if I am seeking Him, and patiently (ooh that's a hard one) waiting on Him...I will understand more of what He wants from my life...what direction I am supposed to go in.

Nothing is impossible...

Goodbye puppy...

*sniff*

We found a buyer for the little puppy. We took the price down some because I found a lady who has three daughters who would be the perfect family for her! I had people e-mailing me about the puppy with profanity in their e-mail address...yeah...I want to sell you my puppy when your e-mail address is a**peanut@hotmail.com....nice...really nice! Don't try to get a job with that one!

So tomorrow we will be selling her. *sigh* I hope I don't cry...she's sleeping in my lap as I write this...can't believe I let myself get attatched!!

Hey L...question for you. Do you have a blog? I feel like the other day I clicked on your name and I got transferred to a blog that was like decked out for Valentines day...I didn't have time to read it then so I figured I'd just come back to it later. When I went to go back it said I couldn't view your profile and didn't mention anything about a blog. Bizzare. Maybe I was looking at another blog...I dunno!!

A dream is a wish your heart makes....

I had the most real dream last night. I haven't been sleeping too well with the new puppy in the house (she's a howler...unless I put her in the bed with me...then she's quiet but wiggly!) but somehow last night I was out!

I dreamed that I went to Russia to visit my sister. (My sister does not live in Russia...she lives in VA...but hey...its a dream okay?) On my way to see her I passed an orphanage and thought I'd try to see if I could visit some children. They had a bunch of children playing around but they said that more children were in the back. I asked if I could go back there and they said yes so I followed them to the back of the building behind a large curtain.

They asked me what age I was looking for and I said I'd like a sibling group of two under the age of 5. I also mentioned that I would like for them to be caucasian (since there are so many african american and hispanic children in Russia!! *wink*). They brought me the CUTEST little boy and girl. They must have been twins because they both looked about two years old. The little girl looked a lot like me when I was young and they both were wrapped up in really big puffy snow suits. They both smiled at me and in my heart I KNEW these were my children...my heart never felt so full! I hugged both of them and cried tears of joy!

Then the puppy started whining.

And the dream was over.

I tried SOOOOO hard to fall back asleep but it was a no go. *sigh* It was so real...I really felt like I was finally at the end of this journey...that I was finally going to live "happily ever after".

Its kinda weird to miss someone you met in a dream. But I do. *sigh again*

Hello Snow!

Well finally we get some good snow...its about time! Too bad I still had to go to work today...it was a teacher work day and I guess they figure all teachers have four wheel drive! We got out early though...which was good because the RE called me and asked if I could come in this afternoon instead of tomorrow morning because of the snow/ice issue.
I went in and they got me in the stirrups in no time...the past two times I've been in there they have had a medical student in there observing.

The RE is always like "And those are her ovaries...and notice the endometrioma...right there...see it?"

And I'm like...thanks guy. Don't I have to sign a release to have my body donated to science? :o)

Today however, the student was quite into my endometrioma and so after he pointed it out, she didn't skip a beat...just reached over and grabbed the little wandy thing(what on earth is it...the stick sonogram thingy...you know what I mean) and started jamming it around...and he relinquished the controls just like that...either that or she had her hand over his...the sheet was in the way a bit...but that girl wasn't nice with the wandy thing.

Weird.

Awkward.

Finally I guess she saw all she wanted and they were done. *phew*

Unfortunately he says I'm progressing rather "slowly". Which is not really slow for me because I usually ovulate the 17-21 day of my cycle. But he said that I only had one follicle that looked like it would have the potential to get big enough.

Bummer.

Clomid...not my drug I guess. So I'm thinking its on to injectables...which scares me a little. But I can do it...I know I can!! *sigh*

I go back in on Friday so we'll see if I grow a couple more good ones in that time. If not...DH will be really happy cuz he's going to get super lucky over the next two weeks!!

I got this book the other day called "The Ultimate Guide to Adoption". Its pretty informative and has answered most of my questions so far. Its also helping me not get too stressed about this cycle...which is wonderful! I'm still struggling with having one foot in the "conception" doorway and the other in the "adoption" doorway...but its only matter of months before I'll know which door is wide open and which one is closed! (for the time being anyway...who knows!)

Fragile state...

Here is the puppy we picked up from VA yesterday. And lets just say my heart has been stolen. Not good. I let DH pick out the puppy because I didn't want to get attatched. Then we were ten minutes down the road and the dog must get carsick or was really nervous cause it barfed 8 times ALL OVER ME...I was covered in dog vomit. We were 5 1/2 hours from home and didn't have any more Chik-fil-A napkins in the glove compartment and I was miserable. So at that point I thought...this is good...I'm not feeling anything positive towards this dog at this moment.

But then...she calmed down...and snuggled with me for the trip...and I was smitten. She loves to give kisses and is just a doll.

And I am in a very VERY fragile state right now...you know...when my maternal instincts are in overdrive and I want to mother SOMETHING....that's sortof how we got in trouble with our other three dogs I think. :o) So four dogs...not good...some people can do it....probably not me. If we can't sell this dog (next to impossible I'm sure...she's so darn cute) I will be more than happy to keep it (however my bank account will not say the same...plus....if I have four dogs, two cats and a BABY someday...well that's just a LOT).

Hopefully she'll sell soon...before she makes her way even further into my heart!

Inaugurashun...Inagurashon...Inagurashion...WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT!!!

I have nothing truly to post...IF wise anyway. I take my last two pills tomorrow and go back on Wednesday (which thankfully is a teacher work day...so I haven't had to take any leave for this cycle yet! yay!) but I haven't felt different at all. I'm wondering if that means my insides aren't any different either...but who knows...

Here is a pic of me...while Obama was getting sworn in!!

Yeah I was watching it in my classroom with my kids...they didn't let us have off!! *sigh* The kids were all sprawled on the floor doing coloring pages (we were "allowed" to watch an hour) and eating snacks. They were pretty excited when he came out! My coworkers thought I was silly for getting my picture taken with the tv...but this was history and I wanted to be able to show my family where I was on that day! :o)

Ahhhhh....Motrin is goooood.....

Shortly after posting yesterday I felt another wave of Edward coming....so I rushed downstairs, grabbed some pills, a water bottle and ran upstairs to where my hubby was sleeping. I curled around him (he's my heat pad) and started sobbing...the pain was sooooooooo bad. I started shivering from the pain and my teeth started chattering. It was so bad!! I asked him to start the shower for me cuz sometimes that helps, but NOT this time...I was on the floor, too weak to stand up...crying in the shower. I finally asked him to get me some motrin from the store (I had ran out and ended up using tylenol, but that just doesn't get the job done for me) and a heating pad.

When he got back I took the medicine, crawled into bed with the heating pad and fell asleep (it was 5:30pm. I woke up at like 7:30, still in pain but SWEATING cuz the heating pad was still on me, took that off and then fell back asleep. I woke up again at 5:40am. WOW. Guess I was a little exhasted! My alarm was set for 5:55 so I figured I'd just get up and shower for my appointment. I felt pretty good...a little sore but I could actually function.

Got to the office and immediately told the Dr. about my issues, but he was like "Some women just have really bad cramps...and women with endo usually have it pretty bad too" Ugh. I told him I was really interested to see what was going on in there to cause so much pain and so he continued with the ultrasound.

NOTHING. *sigh* There was nothing abnormal in there, and he said the only thing that was different was that my endometrioma was smaller. (yay...I think...) Then we were in his office trying to decide what to do for this cycle. I expressed to him my concern that I only had 2 more tries covered by insurance and I really wanted to make them count. He suggested maybe injectables, but said we couldn't do them for this cycle as they need preapproval or it could cost me $1,000 (something I REALLY don't need at this moment).

So, we are going to double my clomid doses and start them earlier (today)+++++++++++++++++++++++ (sorry...that was a little gift from my cat...he just decided to sit on the edge of the keyboard...he wanted to put his two cents in.) I guess he thinks that us deciding to do the clomid is a "positive" thing. HA HA.

ANYHOO...we're gonna see what the clomid does and then if it looks promising we'll move forward with the IUI, if not, we'll just try on our own. I was quite happy with that idea...I definitely don't want to waste anything thats FREE!!! I'm not too psyched about injectables, but I've heard of some people having better results with them...so if it comes to that I'm just going to have to deal!!!

Its weird going into this with the whole adoption thing in the back of my mind...it really feels like the pressure is off. Which is REALLY REALLY nice.

Here we go IUI #2!!!

I go in for my 3rd day of cycle blood test etc tomorrow morning. AF officially started yesterday morning and thank goodness it was a Saturday cuz I was down for the count! I couldn't move...the pain was so intense. Like Edward Scissor Hands taking his....scissor hands....and ripping downward on my intestines. NOT FUN. This is intensified when I use the restroom. Usually if this happens (and the last time it did, it was in September of this year, when I was in the middle of teaching and had to find a room in the back of the school to lie down in...in the fetal position...sobbing) it will last for 6 hours maybe...but it was off and on all yesterday, all night and into this morning. I really wanted to clean the house, but I could not MOVE this morning. Finally around 2 I was feeling okay enough to vacuum and mop the floor. It still is painful though.

I think I need to speak to my Dr. about this tomorrow...this cannot be normal (well...it may be normal for a girl with endo)...so maybe I'll ask him if we can seriously have a chat with the radiologist to see exactly how bad this is! I mean..they just found two little endo cysts on my left ovary...no way is that little bit causing all this pain!!!

Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight!!

You know you are an adoptive parent when...

Found this on another blog...thought it was cool! Don't qualify for all of these...but I'm workin' on it!!

You Know You're An Adoptive Parent When . . .
1. The fact that there are 143 million children without a parent to kiss them goodnight has made you lose sleep.

2. You realize DNA has nothing to do with love and family.

3. You can't watch Adoption Stories on TLC without sobbing.

4. The fact that, if 7% of people adopted 1 child there would be no orphans in the world, is convicting to you.

5. You spend free time surfing blogs about families who have experienced the blessing of adoption.

6. It drives you crazy when people talk of an adopted child's "real" parents.

7. You have ever been "pregnant" with your adoptive child longer than it takes an elephant to give birth.(2 years!)

8. You had no idea how you would afford to adopt but stepped out in faith anyway, knowing where God calls you He will provide.

9. You have ever taken an airplane ride half-way around the world with a child you just met.

10. You believe God's heart is for adoption.

11. You realize that welcoming a child into your heart and family is one of the most important legacies you could ever leave on this earth.

12. You know what the word "Dossier" means, and you can actually pronounce it!

13. You have welcomed a social worker into the most private parts of your life.

14. You shudder when people say your child is so lucky that you are adopting them, knowing full well you are the blessed one to be welcoming him or her in your life.

-Author unknown

Number's three and five made me laugh out loud...cuz that's pretty much me!!!! *sigh*

One step forward...

Two steps back.



I'm totally in the money saving mode now...I do almost everything in the dark...my fridge is nearly bare....I haven't bought anything "unecessary" in two weeks...thats pretty good for me! (Okay I've had Starbucks twice...but that was with a Christmas gift card!!)



Then hubby shows me his $300 speeding ticket. Marvelous.



Then I come home from work today...Buttercup (our red boston terrier) is yelping when we pet her along her rib cage. OH BOY. Come to find out one of our cats may have gotten into a fight with her today...we've had this dog for three years and she doesn't even interact with the cats!! And they ignore her!! So that was a $158 trip to the vet and they shaved her down in spots so shes...ugly. :o) Poor baby.

Yeah...you can tell by the pic, she's not happy. Her face much reflects my mood as well. Especially since AF reared her ugly head about five minutes ago. I'm not as disappointed this time though...just focusing on...the next cycle...and that little "maybe" that could be miles away...

Speaking of which, I spoke with the mother of my Russian student today. She had wanted to bring in invitations for her daughter's birthday but the secretary shooed her away saying we didn't do that type of thing. Uhhh....its kindergarten!!!!!!!! So I called her up and told her to bring them to me. Then I mentioned that I may be looking into adopting in Russia or Ukraine, but I was in the very VERY beginning stages of exploring it.....but.....would she be interested in teaching me Russian in a few months if things started working out?

She said she'd love to!!

YAY!

They may be moving before her daughter gets back from Russia and therefore, she may end up going to a new school, so I wanted to make sure I talked with the mother to see if I had her permission to hang on to her cell number before that happend. Didn't want to totally stalk her! :o)

Trying to remain...focused...and positive.

I read online today about a couple who was going to adopt and when the money was nearly due, somehow they could not access their funds. They were devastated...but the woman said "This is just going to make it that much more amazing when God makes this happen" and sure enough, the $12,000 they needed came right before the deadline.

So even though my money saving has been...well...less fruitful than I'd hoped....I think God knows my heart...and if he wants this to happen....

It will.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Yeah...on my mind a lot these days. The dollar sign. How am I gonna save enough? Every time I turn off a light in my house I'm like...yep...there's another 2 cents I'm saving...you go girl!

Weird thing is...I've been praying...for the money thing...and like I said yesterday, hopefully we've got Sweet Pea's surgery covered. Yesterday I also got a call from a guy I babysat for months ago and he wants me to work every week (just totally out of the blue he calls me!). Then today DH's brother called DH today (he's 20) and said he wants to move out of his parents house and live with us (remember, his parents are going through the split...but are now living together...which is probably a bit tense). He said he'd pay rent.

$$$$$$$

Now let me say...God certainly is providing...BUT (oh man...should I even say it?) its not exactly how I would have planned....well....

1) I quit that babysitting job months ago because the oldest kid (4 yr. old) was biting, hitting and screaming at me (this was only like 3 times, but it was in public and generally I can handle these situations (being a teacher and all) but this child has special needs and it was...rough). Also, as my "infertile" self, it was hard for me to be around the baby. The situation just wasn't healthy for me right then (especially with drama brewing in the family & family-in-law). So going back there...isn't ideal.

2) We just had DH's mother and younger brother move out. We are just getting used to having our house to ourselves again...and sortof are out of the middle of in-law drama. So having his brother move in...and have his girlfriend coming over all the time (UM NOT SLEEPING OVER..NOT IN MY HOUSE!!!)...a little weird. I think I'd have more rules for that kid in my house than he has with his mom!!!!!!!

And yet...could I tough it out for a few months...for an extra...I dunno...$250 a month...?

Maybe......

That's what I'm struggling with right now...

Can I really say....thanks God...but no thanks???

Probably not.

Guess I'd better start praying for some patience....

Little Peadie

Chewing on DH's phone!! Don't let him see you do that!!! :o)

Sweet Pea Update:

My sister brought Sweet Pea back to us on Friday. Her vet refused to do the surgery yet. He gave her some anti-inflammatory medication and said we need to wait a month. STRESS...I really don't know what to do. We ended up speaking with the breeder about her condition and she was sooo nice. She wanted a letter from our vet stating the problem. She got the letter yesterday and said that her vet suggested the medication as well, but no matter what we do she will give us a puppy to sell because she stands by her dogs. She said its not about the money, but about us being happy.

WOW.

She is 5 1/2 hours away in VA, so we may make a trip over there next weekend to pick up a dog. We are going to make sure its not from the same mother and father as Sweet Pea so that it doesn't end up having the same problem. She hasn't had this type of thing happen before with her other dogs so I feel okay with selling the dog to another person. Hopefully we'll get a quick sale to pay for the vet bills we've gotten so far.

We were worried about coming up with the money for the surgery, and now God is providing!! I would never have thought a breeder would be so kind. I am glad to be wrong! Here is her myspace page if you are interested in buying a chihuahua anytime soon. Or...pick one out in a week or less and let us know which one you want...we'll sell it to you!! :o)

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=439412242

Changing the subject...here is the candy bar that has changed my life!!! (Can't believe its chocolate and its lasted more than a week in my home...amazing...)

The bear that is holding it is a bear that my mom sent me from my late grandmother's collection. Just a random fact for you. ;o) And there it sits in my kitchen...reminding me to pray for the children that are thousands of miles away...who may one day fill my heart with joy!

Want a good laugh? Try to say "hello" in russian!

http://masterrussian.com/blday_greeting.shtml

I'm getting better at it...I had to write it out phonetically so that I could actually say it...good luck!

A little laugh...

Hubby is taking a nap before he's off to work this evening so I decided to do a little online research. I looked up how to say "hello" in Russian...yeah...that's REALLY hard to do!!! My mouth can't form the sounds...but I'm going to try my best! Though a lot of our "signs" have been pointing to Russia, I've found that Ukraine adoptions are a bit cheaper...and at this point in time..."cheaper" is what I need!!! It looks like it would be around $30,000. I found a blog of a woman who began the paperwork for adopting from Ukraine in April 2008 and had her twin boy and girl home in October!!! WOW. And at the beginning of her blog she said she didn't know how she was going to raise the money...but somehow she did it...I'm going to continue reading to find out how!!! But I found this funny joke on her blog:

There are accidental pregnancies, how about accidental adoptions?

--Honey, sit down. I have some news for you.-

--What is it?-

--Well, I don't know how to say this, so I'll just come out with it. I went out to the mailbox today and ... well, we got an I-171H.-

--A what?!? An I-171H? As in , we're going to have another baby?!?-

--It looks that way.-

--But how? We've been so careful! I put away all the blank I-600Aforms. Didn't you hide our homestudy update?-

--Of course I did. But don't forget, there was that one night ...-

--What night? (pauses) Ohhh, that night. But it was only once. We were just messing around. I didn't print clearly. I didn't even use ink!(pauses again) But it was kind of fun.-

--(giggles) It was, wasn't it? I'll never forget how cute you looked getting your fingerprints.-

--So now we've got our I-171H, eh? But that doesn't always mean you'll adopt, does it? I mean, shouldn't you see the agency or something, makesure everything's okay?-

--I already did.-

--And?-

--I'm five documents along.-

--Five documents! And they're all notarized, certified and authenticated okay?-

--Just great. There was one small scare when the agency couldn't see the notary's middle initial, but it showed up just fine under the magnifying glass.-

--Thank goodness. And you, honey? Are you feeling okay?-

--I'm feeling fine. As long as I know you're happy about this.-

--Happy? I'm thrilled! It's always a shock at first when something likethis happens, but of course I'm happy.


Kinda cute! Okay I have NO CLUE what an I-171H is...but I look forward to finding out!! :o)

I've been tagged!!

Jill tagged me!!! Okay for this one you have to go to the 6th file where you store your pictures...then pick the 6th picture. Mine is a bit random. Here it is:

My husband went to Bass Pro at the beginning of hunting season and bought a deer camera. Pretty much you strap it to a tree and it takes pictures of whatever is moving. Ahhhh...man hobbies. Yes, I also have a "man cave" which is also dedicated to his hobby...therefore I have two deer heads, a pheasant, a fox and several deer skulls in my guest bedroom. Anybody want to come over? :o) Oh...and there is a piranha in a rather large fish tank in the corner. Like I said...MAN CAVE. I feel bad for our guests, but the craft room (with the sewing machine and computer) does not need deer heads...the extra room is completely BARE (waiting for...well you know...) and of course I will not have a deer head in my room staring at me while we....*ahem*...we have enough stress on that part of the relationship as it is...don't need an audience!! Thanks!!! *wink* So the guest room it is! Welcome!!!

I decided to just "go with it" and found a comforter at Kohls that looked like it would be at a cabin. Ta-dah!!

Anyhoo...on the adoption forefront, hubby is getting pretty excited...and we are starting to look around our house and see what we need to do to be home study ready. I have a really old bathtub in the "kids bathroom" and most of it is okay, but the bottom is a little rusted. For people who shower its okay cuz I just put down a mat and you would never know, but bathing babies...NO WAY!!! So we need to get that replaced...we're working to save up the money to do so. I have my thermostat set to 68 (usually its at 70)....only had it there for like four days...but I'M FREEZING!!! Gotta save money where we can though! I've found its a good motivator to clean...helps get the blood flowing!! :o) I'm not sure if that's still high? What do you all keep your thermostat at? I would like to turn it off during the day, but I don't want to freeze the doggies!

At the rate we're going, the homestudy may not happen until late spring early summer, but I'm using this time to prepare my home and trying to educate myself on different orphan behaviors and disorders.

If we DO end up getting pregnant on one of my upcoming IUIs, getting the house ready and cleaning would not have been in vain (and from what I hear you get kindof tired when preggo...so giving the house a deep cleaning is always good!). I would also like to pursue adoption in the future, even with biological kids...so I guess its a win-win situation. Plus I feel less stressed because I have something else to focus my energy on...which is really nice.

Gotta get back to work!!!

And perhaps another confirmation...

I haven't had a chance to post...but here's what happened the next morning after I posted when my hubby came home from work:

DH: So you do have any breaks at work today?

Me: (Looking at him strangely) Umm...yeah...the kids have art.

DH: Well I have something you might be interested in looking at. Do you remember that guy I told you about that I work with? The one who adopted all those chinese kids?

Me: Yeah.

DH: Well he ended up working with me all last night and I found out his wife is a blogger too just like you. And I got her e-mail address just in case you have any questions about anything.

Me: Thanks! (Inside I'm like WHAT...SWEET...WOWWOWOOWWWOW)

DH: Oh...and I found something new out tonight. He has three kids from china, but the first kid he adopted was from Russia.

Me: OH MY GOSH.........................

So then inbetween me trying to put on my makeup and dry my hair we're exploring this couple's blog and adoption websites...it was kinda fun! I haven't contacted her yet. I didn't feel like I knew enough about all this to really have any educated questions for her.

My work blocks blogs so I couldn't check it out on my break, but I did look into Christian Adoption Agencies...and some of them had estimated costs...yeah we're looking at $45,000-65,000 to adopt in Russia....WOW (this is with all the fees and the travel/hotel stays). Remember my fridge AND washer just broke...yeah I have NOOOOO money right now. (not that I figured adoption would be cheap...but I was hoping for $20,000-25,000)

So today I started looking up "How to Afford Adoption". I found a website with a lot of cool ideas...and one even had a link to travel help. I checked it out and found out that Northwest Airlines has something called "Special Delivery" where they offer 65% off plane tickets for parents that are adopting, as well as 65% off the child's ticket. They also realize that your time in the country may be delayed and you may get late notice for stuff so they don't penalize you for it!!! Cool. Adoption is still not affordable for me this second...but that's a glimmer of hope! I'm going to have to continue to do some research.

Anyhoo...so for now that's all...on that topic anyway...still praying!!!

Sweet Pea is still with my sister, but her vet did not want to go ahead with the surgery, calling it "premature". So he put her on some anti-inflammitory medication. The radiologist at my vet said that she needed the surgery ASAP, but her vet said he didn't see any documentation from him. However, if indeed the radiologist recommended this surgery, then he would go ahead with it. *sigh* Hopefully the little girl will turn out okay...this is so much running around!!!

Going a little crazy...and yet maybe not...

So this past holiday break has been a good thing for me. And a bad thing. I've been left alone with my thoughts far too often and boy do they like to wander.

Recently, as I've stated in my blog, they've strayed to adoption...mostly foster care with the intention of adoption...but over the break I kindof focused more on European adoption and then finally on Russian adoption. Not sure how I came to focus on Russia...I do have a little girl in my class who actually is Russian...blonde hair...blue eyes...sooo cute. Maybe that's what drew me to that area.

Did you know on youtube you can see people's adoption stories (what CAN'T you see on youtube would be a better question I suppose!)...so of course I looked up Russian adoption (this...once again...somewhat "teasing" myself if I may...my husband told me he may be interested in foster care....but not adoption...). I watched several stories of people taking their two visits to Russia and meeting their children. In the background of some videos I could see babies in cribs (almost like a room full of cages if you ask me) just watching the happy families. My heart felt like it would rip out of my chest!

And so I asked myself (and I totally understand that some people may feel very differently than I do...and I totally understand and respect that!! God leads us all in different directions...) why am I pumping my body full of hormones and perhaps going on to IVF where I'll be doing three shots a day etc...why am I trying so hard for a biological child when there are so many orphaned children out in the world in need of homes!! And yet, if I don't try everything humanly possible, will I regret it when I'm 40 and don't have biological children? (Right now when I ask myself that question, I am at peace about thinking it'd be okay...but who knows??)

I decided to share with my husband my thought process, and showed him some of the videos...I even have been taping "Adoption Stories" on tv and watching those with him. (NOT forcing him I promise!! The first episode I just had on when he walked in and he joined me...the second one was the next day and he handed me the remote and said "Why don't you put on one of your shows"...so of course I put another episode on!! :o) ) I tried to be careful after the first mentioning of it to not nag and keep bringing it up...so I quietly have been doing my own research over the break...just...for my information.

I asked God to let him bring it up so that I would know he was thinking about it and that I wasn't simply going to be annoying by mentioning it again and again...don't want to push him into ANYTHING....

So we had that long VA trip for Sweet Pea...and on the trip DH says "So I'm a little scared to go all the way to Russia...I don't want to get my head cut off."

And I, very cautiously (though my heart is racing) said "Tell me about why you're scared...cuz really I don't know if I know the whole story with Russia as we stand with them now" (sorry...I'm not that much of a news buff...)

So he talked with me and expressed his concerns with adopting again. Yet there was more of a softness in his voice. Then he changed the subject and I let it be.

We got back from VA and I went back to my researching after he left for work. Then I got mad at myself...I'm just torturing myself, I should clean my house and get my mind off this....I prayed...God, help me to stop thinking about this...especially if this is not your plan for me!

As I cleaned I came across a bag. It was a gift bag full of little Christmas gifts from my students...I had completely forgotten about it, so I began unwrapping the gifts. One ended up being a candy bar.

From Russia.

In Russian.

Thanks God.

Obviously it was from that little girl in my class...but I was like...ugh...I'm trying to think about SOMETHING ELSE...and here's a stinkin' candy bar!! Then I'm like...okay God...I gotta just get into your Word and see what on earth you are trying to tell me. Have you ever opened your bible, read a verse and been like "Okay that verse meant nothing to me...lemme close the Bible and randomly turn to another page and God...make it be the verse for me!!" Well I was thinking about doing that (bad practice by the way) :o) but I said to myself...just read the next chapter in your devotional book...and guess what its called?

"Russian Adoption and You..."

PSYCH!!! Just kidding. :o)

It was called: What Do You Think God Wants You To Do?

Interesting...so I pray..."God you know my mindset right now...I'm so confused about my heart for adoption and my husband's seemingly lack of it...please help me not to be guided by my emotions and truly do what you want.

So then I read...and it was the story in John 21 when the disciples are fishing and they have caught nothing all day. Then "Jesus said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish." John 21:6

Basically the point of the devotion was, if whatever you have been doing has been unsuccessful, perhaps you need to "throw your net on the other side of the boat".

Is my "other side of the boat" adoption??? I don't know! All I've been trying is to get a biological child....and seriously...I know I am SO not that far into this infertility treatment...one IUI barely counts as "trying!"...but I'd just like to talk out these thoughts I'm having...sorry this is so long...and confusing.

Between the candy bar and the devotion I decided to share my thoughts with my husband...and he was very open to discussing it with me...but he said he didn't know about the answer either...then today I was riding in the car with him and he mentioned adoption again and said that he might be more interested in adopting like a 5 or 6 year old and that what a cool adventure it would be to travel to Russia (what a change from the "head getting chopped off"!!!)...but he had some concerns still...I asked him to tell me them and one of them was,

"What if the kid doesn't love me?"

NOT POSSIBLE! My husband is the biggest kid of them all...any kid would LOVE him...(and they do...just ask the kids in my classroom...this big SWAT guy comes in to cut out paper shapes for their craft...COOL...)...its me they're not going to like! I'm going to be the rule maker and stickler...he's going to be the rule breaker and tickler!! :o)

Anyways...we are a LONG way off from making any kind of moves toward adoption, but seeing the change in my husband's viewpoints...well...its encouraging...and helps my sanity when I realize that God may be changing his heart towards that type of thing...whether that means that one day we'll go on a missions trip to help orphans in Russia, bring one into our home to be our child, or simply be a prayer warrior for those many children who have no one to call "Mommy".

Interesting...

Just an FYI for all you pet owners out there.

We went to our vet and pulled Sweet Pea's records and x-rays for our trip to VA. Then we were about three hours down the road and our vet called (he had to leave a message because we had the music cranked too loud!) and said that he heard we decided to take Sweet Pea somewhere else. He said that if it was because of the high estimate he was willing to drop the price from $1900 to $1300 if we wanted to come back.

Who knew?!

I had no idea you could bargain with your vet...but hey...I guess its not set in stone! Kindof like buying a car...you gotta just walk out of there and have them begging to get you back in!

We decided to stick with the VA vet...though we were still very nervous...its a hard decision, especially since she weighs 3.1 lbs and putting her under anesthesia is always a little risky. Hopefully we made the right choice!

Another update...

This is a picture of Sweet Pea the day we got her home...she's such a little princess! :o)

We are traveling to VA today so that Sweet Pea can have her surgery. My sister is a vet tech and her vet said he'd done the procedure 75 times and felt very comfortable doing it. He also mentioned that instead of charging us nearly $2,000, he would charge $700. Please say a little prayer for Sweet Pea...she's so small...I'm pretty nervous about this surgery!! We also asked him to spay her while she's under so she won't have to go through surgery again anytime soon.

She'll have to live with my future BIL while she is recovering, as they will not be able to do the surgery until Monday and I have to work all week. I will pick her up next weekend. Hopefully she won't get too stressed out being in a new place. She got to know my BIL a little bit over the Christmas break, but pretty much she doesn't like anyone but my husband and I (typical chihuahua).

Another prayer request that I have is for my grandpa. My parents have lived in WA state for the past year and a half taking care of my dad's parents. My grandma passed away a couple months ago (she had emphazema (sp??) and got pneumonia pretty bad) and my grandfather has a form of MS and has been slowly deteriorating. He was just released from the hospital, but my mom just e-mailed me and said that he is unable to get out of bed. (He already has a motorized wheelchair and a lift to get him out of bed...so he wasn't that mobile before, but now its even worse). Once again my heart breaks the most for my dad...who recently lost his mom...and now is slowly losing his father. I cannot imagine what he is going through right now.

I had the weirdest dream last night (I'm not sure what we ate...but DH had a weird dream last night too...only his was about getting half a tattoo on his hand...odd). I dreamt that I was getting married again (to my husband) and I remember thinking it was so weird that I got to have two wedding days to the same man. This time though, I was waiting at the alter and he had to walk down the isle (I was wearing the dress though...and he was wearing the suit). We were about to get started when the pastor started a skit/sermon and told me that I was going to have to come up with one sentence to describe what the sermon meant to me. I don't remember the sermon, but I do remember my sentence. It was "Less me, more Him".

I've been really struggling with what I'm supposed to be learning through all this...things keep happening...and they are growing me into a different person. But unfortunately lately that person has been a very bitter, emotional and angry one. I've been focusing a lot on myself, when I need to be focusing on what God is trying to tell me...what His plan is. I pray that I can be less stubborn...more open to what He wants...

I also wonder about the fact that in my dream my husband was walking down the isle...does that mean I've been trying to be the head of the household? That I need to let my husband lead this family more? I definitely can see that I've tried to take the reins in a lot of situations.

I'm not much of a dreamer...and don't take much stock in what I dream about when I do dream. But this one kindof stuck out to me, especially with my current struggles.

Well I need to start getting ready to take little Sweetie to VA!

Happy New Year to you all! It's so strange that it's 2009...I seriously thought either the world would have ended by now, or we would be living like the Jetsons... :o) Praying for you all!