So this past holiday break has been a good thing for me. And a bad thing. I've been left alone with my thoughts far too often and boy do they like to wander.
Recently, as I've stated in my blog, they've strayed to adoption...mostly foster care with the intention of adoption...but over the break I kindof focused more on European adoption and then finally on Russian adoption. Not sure how I came to focus on Russia...I do have a little girl in my class who actually is Russian...blonde hair...blue eyes...sooo cute. Maybe that's what drew me to that area.
Did you know on youtube you can see people's adoption stories (what CAN'T you see on youtube would be a better question I suppose!)...so of course I looked up Russian adoption (this...once again...somewhat "teasing" myself if I may...my husband told me he may be interested in foster care....but not adoption...). I watched several stories of people taking their two visits to Russia and meeting their children. In the background of some videos I could see babies in cribs (almost like a room full of cages if you ask me) just watching the happy families. My heart felt like it would rip out of my chest!
And so I asked myself (and I totally understand that some people may feel very differently than I do...and I totally understand and respect that!! God leads us all in different directions...) why am I pumping my body full of hormones and perhaps going on to IVF where I'll be doing three shots a day etc...why am I trying so hard for a biological child when there are so many orphaned children out in the world in need of homes!! And yet, if I don't try everything humanly possible, will I regret it when I'm 40 and don't have biological children? (Right now when I ask myself that question, I am at peace about thinking it'd be okay...but who knows??)
I decided to share with my husband my thought process, and showed him some of the videos...I even have been taping "Adoption Stories" on tv and watching those with him. (NOT forcing him I promise!! The first episode I just had on when he walked in and he joined me...the second one was the next day and he handed me the remote and said "Why don't you put on one of your shows"...so of course I put another episode on!! :o) ) I tried to be careful after the first mentioning of it to not nag and keep bringing it up...so I quietly have been doing my own research over the break...just...for my information.
I asked God to let him bring it up so that I would know he was thinking about it and that I wasn't simply going to be annoying by mentioning it again and again...don't want to push him into ANYTHING....
So we had that long VA trip for Sweet Pea...and on the trip DH says "So I'm a little scared to go all the way to Russia...I don't want to get my head cut off."
And I, very cautiously (though my heart is racing) said "Tell me about why you're scared...cuz really I don't know if I know the whole story with Russia as we stand with them now" (sorry...I'm not that much of a news buff...)
So he talked with me and expressed his concerns with adopting again. Yet there was more of a softness in his voice. Then he changed the subject and I let it be.
We got back from VA and I went back to my researching after he left for work. Then I got mad at myself...I'm just torturing myself, I should clean my house and get my mind off this....I prayed...God, help me to stop thinking about this...especially if this is not your plan for me!
As I cleaned I came across a bag. It was a gift bag full of little Christmas gifts from my students...I had completely forgotten about it, so I began unwrapping the gifts. One ended up being a candy bar.
From Russia.
In Russian.
Thanks God.
Obviously it was from that little girl in my class...but I was like...ugh...I'm trying to think about SOMETHING ELSE...and here's a stinkin' candy bar!! Then I'm like...okay God...I gotta just get into your Word and see what on earth you are trying to tell me. Have you ever opened your bible, read a verse and been like "Okay that verse meant nothing to me...lemme close the Bible and randomly turn to another page and God...make it be the verse for me!!" Well I was thinking about doing that (bad practice by the way) :o) but I said to myself...just read the next chapter in your devotional book...and guess what its called?
"Russian Adoption and You..."
PSYCH!!! Just kidding. :o)
It was called: What Do You Think God Wants You To Do?
Interesting...so I pray..."God you know my mindset right now...I'm so confused about my heart for adoption and my husband's seemingly lack of it...please help me not to be guided by my emotions and truly do what you want.
So then I read...and it was the story in John 21 when the disciples are fishing and they have caught nothing all day. Then "Jesus said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish." John 21:6
Basically the point of the devotion was, if whatever you have been doing has been unsuccessful, perhaps you need to "throw your net on the other side of the boat".
Is my "other side of the boat" adoption??? I don't know! All I've been trying is to get a biological child....and seriously...I know I am SO not that far into this infertility treatment...one IUI barely counts as "trying!"...but I'd just like to talk out these thoughts I'm having...sorry this is so long...and confusing.
Between the candy bar and the devotion I decided to share my thoughts with my husband...and he was very open to discussing it with me...but he said he didn't know about the answer either...then today I was riding in the car with him and he mentioned adoption again and said that he might be more interested in adopting like a 5 or 6 year old and that what a cool adventure it would be to travel to Russia (what a change from the "head getting chopped off"!!!)...but he had some concerns still...I asked him to tell me them and one of them was,
"What if the kid doesn't love me?"
NOT POSSIBLE! My husband is the biggest kid of them all...any kid would LOVE him...(and they do...just ask the kids in my classroom...this big SWAT guy comes in to cut out paper shapes for their craft...COOL...)...its me they're not going to like! I'm going to be the rule maker and stickler...he's going to be the rule breaker and tickler!! :o)
Anyways...we are a LONG way off from making any kind of moves toward adoption, but seeing the change in my husband's viewpoints...well...its encouraging...and helps my sanity when I realize that God may be changing his heart towards that type of thing...whether that means that one day we'll go on a missions trip to help orphans in Russia, bring one into our home to be our child, or simply be a prayer warrior for those many children who have no one to call "Mommy".
ttc-wildride
13 years ago
2 comments:
I have seriously thought about adopition since our third miscarriage, and even though I'm pregnant now I still revert to those thoughts because I am still not certain that this pregnancy is going to work out no matter how much I hope it does. All the advice I can give you is, give this infertility some time to pan out. Continue to give the medicine a try and hope that it works. If in a couple of years, your efforts seem futile, I would turn your efforts in another direction. I know for myself that if I don't do everything possible in my power to get a bioligical child of my own that it will always be nagging at me whether we turn to adoption or not. You may not feel the same way, but you need to give this effort the sufficient time to work. Couples with much bigger fertility problems than you and I have went on to have beautiful healthy children, so something out there's gotta work. Keep praying, you'll know what to do.
Your post gave me chills. Adoption is such a wonderful thing, and we would love to pursue it in the future. I agree with you that there are so many children out there that need good homes.
I do want to tell you that from the experiences of friends of mine, adoption (domestic or international) is a very long, difficult, expensive process. Just like IF treatments are not a sure thing, neither is adoption. For myself, I felt very strongly about experiencing pregnancy at least once, so I think we would have continued to do IVF until we were broke to try to fulfill that dream. But, we are both very open to adoption, and I would love to foster with the intent to adopt (or adopt internationally, if we are able) in the future.
I hope that you and your husband can come to a decision that works for both of you -- I know God will lead you in the right direction. If you need any support (for either path), I'm here!
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