Work in Progress...

Ahhh turkey day. Thankfully this year I am not cooking...leavin' that to Granny...all I have to do is show up! It probably would be better if I was cooking so that I could keep my mind off stuff, but instead I'll just sit here and wait for the Macy's parade to come on!

As I sit and watch tv I can't help but wonder what it would be like if I had kids right now. Would they be watching the tv with me or still sleeping in their little beds? Would they be snuggled on my lap sharing my hot chocolate in their footie pajamas...nibbling on cinnamon toast? Instead I drink my hot chocolate and eat my cinnamon toast alone. Okay not totally alone...my dog Sweet Pea (a cream chihuahua) was curled up on my lap...Buttercup was right next to me on the couch too. *sigh*...not exactly how I pictured my Thanksgiving after almost four years of marriage...will it be different next year?

Another book that I got in the mail yesterday was called "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. What a great book! This woman has been through it all when it comes to trying to have children! She even tried to adopt several times with no avail. She shared the story of the oyster who had a grain of sand stuck in its shell...it was extremely uncomfortable and painful. However, the oyster decided to make the best of it and soon, that grain of sand became a beautiful pearl...

What kind of person do I want to be? That girl who my friends can barely talk to about their children because she's so bitter? Or someone who loves and cares for others despite her own deep personal pain?

I feel like the first year and a half of trying to concieve I was still pretty hopeful...and now slowly but surely I am getting very bitter, angry and SCARED. My friend who I used to confide in about my struggles with infertility has gone on to have a child of her own (after two months of trying) and I can barely talk to her cuz I hear the baby crying in the background...all this jealousy and resentment is turning me into someone I don't want to be.

What a better day than Thanksgiving to realize what I have to be thankful for and to take my pain and turn it into something good? Someday I will be at the other end of this journey...and I will be a stronger, more patient, more loving person because of this trial.

Not there yet...definitely still a work in progress...praying for peace in this journey.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4: 6-7