Off to Loganville!

I don't really believe in signs...I mean not literal signs but...you know...things that happen that say good/bad things are headed your way...but this (literal) sign was a bit of an encouragement for me as I was driving to PA for my sister's bridal shower yesterday. Logan is our #1 boy name (we picked it back when we were young and naive) and when I saw this sign I just had to take a picture. When I saw it I felt like it was God saying, "Its not too far off...maybe not this time...but someday soon..." And then I thought "But God...I wanted a GIRL!!!" JUST KIDDING!!! Of course its probably just a fluke that I passed this sign...but I'll take what I can get at this point! :o)

Church tonight was interesting...the worship leader preached. Towards the end of the sermon (he was talking about being a "lukewarm" Christian) he mentioned that he struggles with being lukewarm and gave the example that he was having trouble trusting God every time he looks at his wife. (His wife is preggo...critical info there) He's concerned because he doesn't have medical insurance and doesn't know how he's going to pay for it all...

Of course my first thought is "I have insurance...why did God give them a baby and not me??"...but quickly I remembered something I read in one of my new books I got...where it said that God uses different trials for different people....probably as much as I want a baby, they DIDN'T want to have a baby...at this time anyway. But God is using these hardships to bring us closer to Him...and it most certainly is working...I've talked to Him more in this past year than probably I ever have...

And tomorrow is the day...I'm not nervous...yet...and really not looking forward to those two weeks...

Guess I'd better head to bed...we've got an early morning tomorrow...IUI at 9:15...

Oh boy...here we go...

Okay...not so bad...

What am I saying...YES IT WAS BAD...well not the actually shot but the adrenaline leading up to it was horrible. I was shaking so bad I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make a straight shot...

I kept looking at the needle like...seriously...SERIOUSLY??? THIS is what I have to do to get my baby??? SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!

It will be SO worth it though.

I love you baby W.

Can't wait to meet you someday...

WHOA there...

Ten minutes until I'm supposed to trigger. And I'm feeling a little nervous. I know if I was doing IVF I'd be giving myself a ton of shots and so just one shouldn't be a big deal...but oh crap. I looked at the thing and nearly passed out...it totally sucks cuz my hubby had to leave for work...my mommy is in Seattle...and I'm here all by myself!!! Which means I have to suck it up and do this...but...my heart is POUNDING...

I hope I can do this...

Usually whenever I get shots (yes even now) I sing "Jesus Loves Me" and look the other way to keep my mind off of it...but if I have to LOOK and actually DO something...oh gosh oh gosh...what have I signed up for here...

7 minutes to trigger...

God give me strength!

"GO" for Monday!!

My DH is trying to rush me through this post...cuz he wants to go set up his deer stand an hour away....and I must go with him...yay...men and their hobbies...

Thank you to those who commented earlier...I have to say my face turned seven shades of red when I realized that people ACTUALLY read what I write...and we certainly bare all on these blogs don't we? Thank you for your encouragement...it means the world to me!

The dr appt. went well today. I have two lil follies that are good size (I have no idea about the millimeters or whatever....but I guess they were good...though not as good as they should have been with clomid) on the left side (unbelievably enough...that is the side with the two endometriosis cysts taking up all the space!!) and 6 or 7 follies on the right side that are too small to even talk about I guess.

After checking out my bloodwork the dr. was saying that he was a little unsure about when the right time was going to be but didn't want to wait much past Monday cuz some things were saying that I could be ovulating at any time. So he said to do the trigger tomorrow night...and make love then too just in case I go early. (Of course DH was in the car during this conversation and whispered to me "What about tonight too??" a little too loudly and the Dr. DEFINITELY heard and said that'd be fine too.) Good grief. :o) Isn't he supposed to be storing this stuff up though? Guess not.

So I'm feeling more hopeful after this appointment...even though the Dr. isn't completely confident in his timing.

Random thought...but its kindof interesting (knock on wood) that everyone around me (I'm a teacher...kids have GERMS) is getting sick and I have yet to get a cold this year...usually I'm down for the count. I think its because I'm drinking all this green tea (good for fertility I hear) and eating prenatal vitamins and drinking pomegranate juice...maybe my immune system is totally awesome now!!

And now I'm probably going to get the worst cold ever...

Especially since I'm about to go into the woods with my hunter husband...

Work in Progress...

Ahhh turkey day. Thankfully this year I am not cooking...leavin' that to Granny...all I have to do is show up! It probably would be better if I was cooking so that I could keep my mind off stuff, but instead I'll just sit here and wait for the Macy's parade to come on!

As I sit and watch tv I can't help but wonder what it would be like if I had kids right now. Would they be watching the tv with me or still sleeping in their little beds? Would they be snuggled on my lap sharing my hot chocolate in their footie pajamas...nibbling on cinnamon toast? Instead I drink my hot chocolate and eat my cinnamon toast alone. Okay not totally alone...my dog Sweet Pea (a cream chihuahua) was curled up on my lap...Buttercup was right next to me on the couch too. *sigh*...not exactly how I pictured my Thanksgiving after almost four years of marriage...will it be different next year?

Another book that I got in the mail yesterday was called "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. What a great book! This woman has been through it all when it comes to trying to have children! She even tried to adopt several times with no avail. She shared the story of the oyster who had a grain of sand stuck in its shell...it was extremely uncomfortable and painful. However, the oyster decided to make the best of it and soon, that grain of sand became a beautiful pearl...

What kind of person do I want to be? That girl who my friends can barely talk to about their children because she's so bitter? Or someone who loves and cares for others despite her own deep personal pain?

I feel like the first year and a half of trying to concieve I was still pretty hopeful...and now slowly but surely I am getting very bitter, angry and SCARED. My friend who I used to confide in about my struggles with infertility has gone on to have a child of her own (after two months of trying) and I can barely talk to her cuz I hear the baby crying in the background...all this jealousy and resentment is turning me into someone I don't want to be.

What a better day than Thanksgiving to realize what I have to be thankful for and to take my pain and turn it into something good? Someday I will be at the other end of this journey...and I will be a stronger, more patient, more loving person because of this trial.

Not there yet...definitely still a work in progress...praying for peace in this journey.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4: 6-7

Longing for a Child

I've been sitting on my couch pretty much 75% of the day, though I did go to Petsmart (we are selling the puppy you see in my picture...Buttercup's baby! *sniff* she's such a cutie! So I had to run there to get some extra dog food to send her off with) and Target.

Side note on Target. Love the place. Usually I find all kinds of things I (don't) need there...unfortunately today wasn't my day. Though not for lack of trying...I had a ton of cute shirts (yeah the fitting room gal was glaring at me when I told her how many I had) but the one thing I do NOT enjoy about Target is...the fitting rooms. That mirror behind you...is....disturbingly...accurate. I never realized exactly what I look like from behind until one of my previous encounters with this store and I assure you it wasn't pretty. YIKES...so seeing that today wasn't the best thing for my mood and I quickly redressed and handed my pile of clothes to the (still glaring) fitting room gal. Sorry 'bout that.

I journeyed home and got back on the couch for another movie and decided I'd better get off my tushy and do something. I decided to rake the front lawn. I pretty much do most of the yard work around our house. I kindof enjoy it...instant gratification when its all cleaned up...plus it gets the blood pumpin. As I grabbed the rakes I noticed a package had come in the mail. I was excited cuz it was from Christianbooks.com and I had ordered a couple books for my mom and then a couple for myself.

One book is called "Longing for a Child"...its a daily devotional for people struggling with infertility. The very first devotion begins with a definition of longing: A strong, persistent desire or craving for something unattainable or distant. Yeah...feeling that allright. Then it goes on to give these verses:

Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

My soul is in anguish,
How long, O LORD, how long?...
I am worn out from groaning,
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears....
The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
Psalm 6:3,6,9

(I'm pretty sure that verse could have been written by me the past couple of days!)

All my longings lie open before you, O LORD;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
Psalm 38:9

Done a lot of sighing lately...thank you God that you know the desires of my heart. Help me to be patient and to make my desires be for what you want. I know my desire needs to be after you first and foremost, God...this baby stuff has blinded me with fear and anger. Help me to know you are here with me. That I don't have to do this alone. Amen.

Still no joy...just hope...

Searching online it says that women with endometriosis have trouble conceiving. I was pretty bummed out about that (I decided to watch Fred Claus to get my mind of off everything and pretty much sobbed through the movie...I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY PEOPLE!!).

After some thought I've decided...why so down? You KNOW you have trouble conceiving...yeah...pretty much have confirmation there...so what are we going to do about this??? Lets continue to be proactive...don't throw in the towel...there's still hope! TROUBLE concieving isn't NEVER concieving. And what in life isn't difficult?

I think I just had so much depending on this visit...I thought it all was going to be okay and I'm worried about being able to hold it together in my next appointment...but I think as long as we're moving forward I should be content. May not have the outcome I'm looking for...but I need to press on.

I was reading that you should get a really good laproscopic (sp????) surgeon who can take out the endometriosis and give you a two year "window" to get pregnant sometimes...maybe that's what I need. I think I'm frustrated also with my Dr. as he didn't think to look into this before. But I can't really blame him. Its certainly easy to do though. Especially when he isn't the nicest man on the planet...and really had no clue about my situation when I came in.

He was like "Good morning...so my understanding is we're not going through with the IUI this cycle"

and I was like "Um...yes we are that's why we're here."

Then he looked around and said "Oh...did I find this cyst last time? Oh wait there's two!"

Don't Drs have to check over the patient records before they go in looking like an idiot? I don't have much confidence in him and with recent findings I'm wondering if my time for child bearing could be limited...therefore I need to make the best of this time and not waste it with...people like him. Little frustrated there.

And yet if I move over to another facility I feel like it'd be two steps back and we're here already...blah blah blah...I don't know what's best. Hmmm.

Too much waiting involved...must learn patience.