All I really want for Christmas...

Even though I'm doing everything in my power to concieve a child of my own, I would also love to adopt a child that has already been brought into the world. My husband does not share this desire, saying that he is not sure that he could love them in the same way as a child that came from him. Which makes sense to me and I don't want to push him at all...so I rarely talk about it.

But I do go online and check out the kids in foster homes...have you seen that you can check out their pictures and "profiles" online? Its crazy! The first time I saw it I couldn't stop crying...these were children...and they have "ads" for themselves. And to think that they don't have a mom or dad to turn to when they need to talk about something...or someone to root them on at their soccer games...it just blows my mind. This is something I totally took (and still take) for granted!!

I was checking out the "ads" again last night (I haven't looked in a couple months because it truly is just torture to see...especially when I know that's not where DH's heart is) because of my BFN. So all last night and this morning I was thinking about what we would have to do to the house to get it ready for a 6, 7 or 8 year old. (I couldn't truly go much older than that...I'm only 25...I can't imagine a fifteen year old listening to me too well!!) As I unloaded the dishwasher I thought....we'd have to get plastic cups and plates...we have all glass!! And we'd have to get an extra bed...where would they go to school? Oh yeah...the one up the street...they'd be a walker...so since DH is on the midnight shift he could walk them home from school...BLAH BLAH BLAH...

I don't know why I was allowing myself to entertain such thoughts...but they came nonetheless. Then later this afternoon I'm driving in the car trying to find a parking spot for 35 minutes (I was at the mall of course with the rest of God's creation) and this song comes on the radio.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnRNP0Qipws&feature=related

And I lost it. What a song!!! And the theme of the song is the same for me, struggling with infertility...all I want for Christmas is a family...just the tyke version instead of the parent version!!!

So I showed this video to DH...wondering if maybe God planted these thoughts in my mind...and had me hear this very song because DH was more ready for that type of thing now...

Not so much.

The video was over...I'm wiping my face and runny nose all over my sweatshirt and he says..."awww...that was a good song...do I have permission to go?" and then leaves the room. No tears. Nothing. And a pretty rude question at the end...like I was forcing him to sit there and share that song with me. I think he is a bit numb by all that is going on with his family...he doesn't want to think about anything too difficult at this time...which I understand...

I've been reading in that book that I got (Hannah's Hope) about the way men deal with infertility. And I'm so glad that I've read it because I read all these blogs and these other girls seem to have such understanding and kind husbands who are so supportive and know just what to say or what to do...but my husband just doesn't want to talk about things. He deals with pain by ignoring it. And that frustrates me cuz I need to talk it out. But in the book it said something like men are "fixers" and especially with infertility, when the man can't "fix" it...he stays away from it...and here I am getting all emotional and he can't understand it. I think that's what the book said. Maybe I need to reread that chapter. But whatever it said it made me feel a bit better...no, not better...normal perhaps.

I can't say he's not understanding or a great husband. Cause he is. He just deals with things differently than I...and that isn't always a bad thing...cuz when I'm falling apart...he's staying strong for me...and I need that too. Just sometimes (exhibit A...this evening) I feel like I'm just walking alone. Full of emotion. Full of tears. Full of anger. Full of resentment. And he feels nothing. And this old saying rings so true..."Men are from Mars, women are from Venus." *sigh*

Watch the video. Its a good one.

I know I shouldn't have...

But I sure did. At 11dpiui I POAS. Technically since I wasn't inseminated until 1:30 pm...it was 10 1/2 dpiui...but ANYWAYS...

It was definitely a BFN. Isn't it crazy how you just stare at that stupid white part and your mind plays tricks on you...you see another line...then you don't...then you hold it just a little closer to the light...and where is that magnifying glass....I knew I should have gotten my glasses prescription updated....blah blah blah. But then reality sets in. And its just absolutely crushing....another negative.

I know it could be too early. I know that some people don't have symptoms and that BFP is just around the corner. I know I should have just waited.

Still hurts though.

Days have stretched out like years for this 2ww...how am I going to endure another month of this? Or another year of this? Please God let it not be that long...I'm starting to fall down under these great weights that I carry...my shoulders are not strong enough! Thank you that you will help carry my burden...help me to give it over to you....you are in control...help me to trust that I cannot even imagine the wonderful plan you have for my life.

Thanks Emily!

Ah yes...I have been tagged. And yes...I need a distraction! :o) So here it goes:

Rules:1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

(I may have trouble with the 7 random people...I'm a bit new to this and don't know that many people!!!)

Randomness #1- I used to live in Japan. I am a Navy brat and my dad was stationed there for 3 years. It was awesome because I was in my beginning teen years and even though I was unable to drive, the train would take you everywhere!! Didn't fully take advantage of the awesome opportunity to learn a new language...therefore I only know how to say "hello", "good morning" and most importantly "Where is the bathroom?" But since I have blonde hair they treated me like a movie star. Girls would show me pictures of Jennifer Aniston and ask "This you? This you?" Of course I signed a few autographs... :o)

Randomness #2- I was homeschooled from second grade until 10th grade. Yes...I was lacking in style and social skills...but I was smart! I think I ended up okay...my face does turn red quite easily though...

Randomness #3- Once when I was about 15 I was battling severe acne and in my homeschool boredom I actually wrote a song about acne to the Little Mermaid song. It goes something like this "Look at this zit...isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my complexion's complete? Wouldn't you think I'm the girl...the girl who has...acne??" Sad I know.

Randomness #5- Growing up (even into high school) I was only allowed to watch 1 hour of tv a day. That included video games and computer. I led a very sheltered life. I wasn't even allowed to watch 7th heaven because the kids talked back to their parents. When I went to college though...LOOKOUT...I watched the whole season (such a rebel!).

Randomness #6- My husband was my first boyfriend, first kiss...first everything. And I was the same for him...so he says...*wink* Love that guy.


Randomness #7- The first day I ever wore a thong was my wedding day. Bad idea. I wasn't used to it and man did it suck having a permanant wedgie the entire day. Definitely switched back to my granny panties after that. Poor DH.

Hope you all will still read my blog after this...I know some of the things were a bit...disturbing. :o) And now for my tags: (drumroll....................)

Emily: (What to Expect When You're NOT Expecting!) Cuz she tagged me!

Ashley: (Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying)

Jill: (Finally Baby)

Emily!!! You tagged all the people I would have tagged....oh man...am I going to jinx this whole thing..??? Let me know and I'll pile on a few duplicates!!! :o)

And it just keeps piling on...

I'm trying really hard to keep my footing when it seems like my whole world is just spinning around. Spoke with the MIL and she's still staying at the other house regardless. I feel better about the whole situation after sitting down and talking with her. She seems to understand and have reasonable ideas that back up her decisions.

Then my washer broke. Seriously...(this is my word of the month...SERIOUSLY??!!!)...all my appliances are going on the fritz the two months before Christmas...its cool...the only credit card we own is one to Home Depot...so I guess we're good.

Then DH went to the dentist yesterday. The cool thing is his Aunt is the hygienist...I guess...the mouth (I feel) is a very personal thing. I have a friend who is a hygienist and she always wants me to come over to her practice so that she can have me as a patient.

Um...that's a big fat NO!! I can see it now. I'm in the chair, mouth wide open, her picking away...then she says "Hey...look...its a popcorn kernel from when we went to the movies two weeks ago..wow that's been in there a while!!" Embarrassing!!

ANYWAYS...so DH goes his aunt explains to him that the weird thing about his bite is his teeth are right on top of eachother...all of them...even the front ones. She told him that if he does not get surgery soon he will be grinding his teeth down to the nerves. Therefore his teeth will have to be pulled out and he will need fake teeth.

Ready...all together now...

SERIOUSLY!!!!???????????!!!!!!

So this surgery means his jaw will have to be broken, set back and then his mouth will have to be wired shut for a couple months. No work. Drink through straw. OH MY GOSH.

That just scares me. He said he'll even look different afterwards...which...hey I look different than when we got married...an extra 30lbs will do that to ya!! (again...thank you infertility) But the idea of them BREAKING his jaw...and then him not working..($$$$$$$???)...

The good thing about all this (okay I'm really trying hard here...) is that I haven't been stressing about every twinge and ache that happens below my belly button for the past two days. Okay...not totally true...my ovaries keep aching on and off randomly throughout the day (which I hear is overstimulation or something)...but I haven't been stressing about it. A massage is a good idea though. Might have to schedule one of those!

No symptoms 8dpiui...had a case of the sniffles...but its freezing in my house...freezing at work and freezing outside...so the weather is certainly calling for a runny nose. *sigh* I'm really thinking this is a no go...*sigh again*

How sweet the sound...

Since I have had not so much to look forward to these days (these past few months have been CRAZY) I decided a couple weeks ago to do a Christmas movie night. I printed up invitations and had a schedule of movies for every other Friday until Christmas. Last night was our second movie night and we decorated sugar cookies and watched Home Alone 2. I love when he goes to NY and goes to that big toy store!!! Our last show is Elf in two weeks! Anyone who lives nearby come on over!!!

One of DH buddies and his wife and four month old BABY came. I have to say I was quite nervous about how that would go down...as I am in a very fragile mental state when it comes to being near babies. Long story short I held the baby for the ENTIRE movie. I was really suprised, but I didn't feel sadness (perhaps because I have some hope for this cycle). All I wanted to do was look at that drooly little face and squeeze that chubby little body!! The mom was relieved that I wanted to hold him as she was quite tired.

Nothing against that girl, but I wonder if I'll ever get tired of holding my baby once it comes. If I'll ever be like "HERE PLEASE TAKE HIM!" Probably I will...every mom has their days I suppose. Especially when he's poopy and screaming and you're sleep deprived! But how sweet those days sound to me right now.

5dpiui now. Hopefully something is getting ready to implant any day now!! Not feeling any different yet. Although I think those prometruim pills effected me a bit last night. About a half an hour after I took it I got really dizzy, but it went away after about another half an hour. (I didn't hold the baby when I was dizzy...don't worry! Little did that mom know a "druggie" was holding her baby!! ha ha)

Time to head out...my sister found a possible bridesmaid dress for her wedding at Nordstrom!! Never knew they had stuff like that there. She has sent me on a mission to try it on (but of course I'll be preggo in her wedding and will need a maternity dress...silly girl) :o)

Feelings...

Here I am 2dpiui (I'm so excited I get to use the little abbreviations...I hope I got it right!!) and I have a mixture of thoughts running through my head.

a) excitment of what could be

b) scared of what could be

c) wondering how I'd tell my other ttc friends that I'm preggo

That last one has really been bothering me. I know that they know I've been through the struggle...and of course its what we all want...but I know how I feel whenever people tell me they're preggo and I don't want to cause that kind of pain. Is that weird? I have one friend at work who miscarried four babies last year and she just finished her 3rd IVF and miscarried...

How am I going to share that kind of news with her?

I guess I should just cross that bridge when I come to it...I could still have quite a long journey ahead of me. But it really is prominent in the back of my mind. I haven't told her all the details about my iui yet because I know it makes her sad (even though she's been getting the play-by-play every day so far). And she is the kindest most encouraging person and always has words of comfort for me even when I'm the one who should be comforting her! She even walked me through how to give myself the trigger shot...and yet I could sense a twinge of sadness in her voice...

Should I talk with her about my concerns? Before I'm preggo? Maybe that way she can tell me what she would like for me to do...maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it is.

I don't know...

And now we wait...

We got off to a bit of a rocky start this morning...the hubby got off work late and so the insemination had to take place this afternoon. That was a little crazy. I was pretty much freaking out...but all is well now.

The actual procedure wasn't too awful...I couldn't even tell when he was doing the insemination part...probably cuz that speculum thingy was pinching so much...OUCH...

I held off going to the restroom as long as I could and then when I went I saw pink on the toilet paper I freaked again...it's falling out!!! I read online that that is normal...but that was from a non-professional source...have any of you had this experience?

Gonna try to do some cleaning before starting this work week...my house is a WRECK!