All I really want for Christmas...

Even though I'm doing everything in my power to concieve a child of my own, I would also love to adopt a child that has already been brought into the world. My husband does not share this desire, saying that he is not sure that he could love them in the same way as a child that came from him. Which makes sense to me and I don't want to push him at all...so I rarely talk about it.

But I do go online and check out the kids in foster homes...have you seen that you can check out their pictures and "profiles" online? Its crazy! The first time I saw it I couldn't stop crying...these were children...and they have "ads" for themselves. And to think that they don't have a mom or dad to turn to when they need to talk about something...or someone to root them on at their soccer games...it just blows my mind. This is something I totally took (and still take) for granted!!

I was checking out the "ads" again last night (I haven't looked in a couple months because it truly is just torture to see...especially when I know that's not where DH's heart is) because of my BFN. So all last night and this morning I was thinking about what we would have to do to the house to get it ready for a 6, 7 or 8 year old. (I couldn't truly go much older than that...I'm only 25...I can't imagine a fifteen year old listening to me too well!!) As I unloaded the dishwasher I thought....we'd have to get plastic cups and plates...we have all glass!! And we'd have to get an extra bed...where would they go to school? Oh yeah...the one up the street...they'd be a walker...so since DH is on the midnight shift he could walk them home from school...BLAH BLAH BLAH...

I don't know why I was allowing myself to entertain such thoughts...but they came nonetheless. Then later this afternoon I'm driving in the car trying to find a parking spot for 35 minutes (I was at the mall of course with the rest of God's creation) and this song comes on the radio.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnRNP0Qipws&feature=related

And I lost it. What a song!!! And the theme of the song is the same for me, struggling with infertility...all I want for Christmas is a family...just the tyke version instead of the parent version!!!

So I showed this video to DH...wondering if maybe God planted these thoughts in my mind...and had me hear this very song because DH was more ready for that type of thing now...

Not so much.

The video was over...I'm wiping my face and runny nose all over my sweatshirt and he says..."awww...that was a good song...do I have permission to go?" and then leaves the room. No tears. Nothing. And a pretty rude question at the end...like I was forcing him to sit there and share that song with me. I think he is a bit numb by all that is going on with his family...he doesn't want to think about anything too difficult at this time...which I understand...

I've been reading in that book that I got (Hannah's Hope) about the way men deal with infertility. And I'm so glad that I've read it because I read all these blogs and these other girls seem to have such understanding and kind husbands who are so supportive and know just what to say or what to do...but my husband just doesn't want to talk about things. He deals with pain by ignoring it. And that frustrates me cuz I need to talk it out. But in the book it said something like men are "fixers" and especially with infertility, when the man can't "fix" it...he stays away from it...and here I am getting all emotional and he can't understand it. I think that's what the book said. Maybe I need to reread that chapter. But whatever it said it made me feel a bit better...no, not better...normal perhaps.

I can't say he's not understanding or a great husband. Cause he is. He just deals with things differently than I...and that isn't always a bad thing...cuz when I'm falling apart...he's staying strong for me...and I need that too. Just sometimes (exhibit A...this evening) I feel like I'm just walking alone. Full of emotion. Full of tears. Full of anger. Full of resentment. And he feels nothing. And this old saying rings so true..."Men are from Mars, women are from Venus." *sigh*

Watch the video. Its a good one.